Wheres my change?

I remember as a young girl traveling to neighborhood liquor stores with a one dollar food stamp just to buy a five cent piece of candy....to receive the change. Flip a coin mama....heads or tails? I say tails and guess how it lands.....of course, heads. Luck of the draw? Maybe. A gamble? Yes sir. Paper, rock, scissors-this is a piece of cake....I can look in the eyes of my component and guess their move and strategically choose the object that will declare them the loser. These are my humble beginnings of tryna make a dolla out of 15 cents. 

I have always needed more but had less. The unfortunate thing is I never learned how to make that work. My less, I made more even if i had to lie, beg, steal, and cheat to get it. Maybe, not literally but symbolically so. I have signed my name to so may dotted lines with all good intent of paying back my lender. Now, ask me what good intent has gotten me? Just as the little girl trying to gamble her way to a win I have won some but have lost much more! I am so tired of the coin landing on heads when my bet is on tails. So maybe just maybe I will toss flipping coins and place the coin in my pocket for a rainy day. Now, that sounds good and may seem like a simple concept for most but it will take a total value paradigm shift that i believe i am ready to explore.


A girl with a big heart and all good intentions has found herself buried under a sea of debt and cant find out for the life of her how to get herself out. During this season i am owning it, and looking each bad decision in the face asking myself "what am i going to do with you"?. This may take much longer then i thought as so many of my debt has been out of sight out of mind and i feel like a dog trying to dig up an old bone with impaired senses. Although I have managed to control all other aspects of my life my finances is indeed an old record playing in the background that is heard with any attempt to move forward. This is a monkey that wont get off your back until you look it  dead in the face and make it up in your mind that you are going to deal with it. Running will not fix the problem, trust me it will find you when you least expect it. Getting served at work (more than once) is no easy pill to swallow....geeesh! I have met with a lawyer regarding my debt repayment options and that was very difficult for me but i did it and for that i am pleased. Now can I afford his assistance after the first free consulting conversation is a different story.

Do i have the answer...nope! Each day brings its own grief but with prayer I anticipate strength and wisdom to tackle just that day alone. Do I check the mailbox for a miracle check?....I will be honest....Yes :). Its difficult trying to think of how you are going to get out of debt when you make just enough to lay your heard, have lights, drive a car, and buy food. Not to mention the long list of  "other expenses" that are being neglected i.e. insurances, doctor visits, vet visits, clothing, ......please dont make me hash it all. I could definitely do better with budgeting and putting myself on a stricter finance diet but those small rewards keeps me in the race believe it or not. I sometime feel like a drug addict... not enough money to meet any particular need but just enough to get a quick fix. At least for that moment i am numb to the problems of this world. Is it right....probably not....is it reality...yes. Most times my quick fix is helping someone else or making one too may fast food stops for the lunch during the week.

Tithes and offering is a separate conversation but it is a concept in which i struggle....but the good news is: shell be comin round the mountain when she comes.lol. It has become a hit or miss with more hits. My struggle is a result of many disappointments but as my relationship with the Lord is being redefined i give from a different place of my heart and when I fail to give there is some remorse but no condemnation :).

In the midst of me trying to figure "it all" out I still feel extremely blessed and I have to revisit that place of gratefulness to insure that I do not drown in my sea of debt. In prayer one morning i heard the spirit say....You will experience great wealth in 2012. My mouth flew open as tears streamed down my face in disbelief and a feeling of unworthiness surrounded me. Many confirmations have followed this personal word and i just want to be found doing the right thing when my time comes.  This is definitely something bigger than myself and in a strange way it has caused me to seek help from the Father in ways that i have never surrendered to do so before. My most recent confirmation was a word I stumbled upon stating that the Lord will soon release gifts not because of anything you have done but because he loves you and his love is unconditional. WOW...oh how I yearn to experience the unconditional love of a father. People judge you and even disappoint you but i heard about a Man....((((praise break))))

Am I looking for something for nothing....no ma'am, no sir, but I do recognize that some divine intervention is much needed

A girl with a heart of gold always looking to give what Ive never had while learning from lifes mistakes is looking for her...school in Africa. ha ha.


Not by my might or power but by your Spirit Lord :)

Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you----Lord  help me with this seeking concept as I have been pretty selfish in the past trying to be my own little god.

 As I write...I reveal....I uncover.....I expose....i set free-----even me :)


~Even Ebony~


Now devil....wheres my change?! You have taken much and i have given much and its about that time I get back what belongs to me. Gimme my change!

The big cut!

My hair is gone!....but I am still here :). For the past month or so I felt the urge to experiment with the "natural" phenomenon. As badly as I wanted to "transition" my heart screamed :ALL OR NOTHING! On Dec. 1st 2011, I knew it was time to break through fear, uncertainty, and doubt and begin what I would call my "crown and glory journey". I made an appointment with a barber to have my hair cut off and when I arrived she was not present and when I called her she replied that she forgot all about me and proceeded an attempt to reschedule. I declined, knowing that this was the day and I could not afford to talk myself out of this much needed move! I then began to brainstorm alternative barber shops and Joey Cuts was the one that rang the loudest. On my lunch break may I remind you, I went into Joey cuts and he asks: you need your eye-brows done and I replied no. His follow-up question was if I needed a line and I replied I needed a cut. With an intent to end the conversation he says: well out stylist is not in today heres her card and I state: no i want it all off. He says: all off! and I say: yes, all off!. Slowly and with great hesitance I was directed to the chair. The barber continued to ask me if I was sure? Are you sure you dont want to "transition"?. I almost had to grab the clippers myself just to get my point across. Realizing, the customer is always right...I ended up with fade...and I didnt even cry.

I am not someone who is in tune with the spiritual significance of ones hair but I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that this was nothing short of a spiritual declaration for me. The more I struggled with the concept thinking: what will i look like, what will people think, what will i do with the awkward in between stages...it was the closest thing I could compare to my salvation journey. As I sought salvation I thought: what would i look like, what would people think, and what will i do with the awkward in between stages.lol. Just as Salvation, it was difficult to explain the "WHY" to people but there is a resonating "the time is now" that takes place in innermost part of your spirit. Although you are secure in your decision to choose Christ and would like to share what you have found with others, you are aware that in order for it to come from an authentic place they have to be ready to do it for themselves (just like the "big cut").

MY big cut represents so much and the significance of Dec. 1, 2011 will forever be a part of my "story". My "big cut" represents:

-freedom-----freedom to live, love, and laugh with no boundaries.
-surrender----permission to surrender all the weights that so easily beset me.
-faith---- the ability to move forward even when i cant see what the end is gone be.
-recover----to take back the innocence of my youth that was lost a long time ago.
-beauty-----i am not my hair or any other part of me that can be transformed to reflect splendor ... I am so much more!
and
-health---- Beloved, I wish above all things that though mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth.

I told myself...this is not a haircut but a healthcut. This represents the shedding away process as well as the process of adding on. This step has inspired me to take the wheel in a way that I never have before and the results are going to blow my mind (says the Lord)! My "big cut" is an outward expression of a new found inner truth and I am rocking it!

Yes, there have been days where I havent felt my prettiest but from the inside out a voice speaks to the little black wounded girl in the mirror and says: oh i wish you could see what I see. And with every splash of lip color, and every swipe of mascara I notice features that were unnoticed before: my cheeks, my forehead, the shape of my head...and my spirit speaks again: I'm so glad you have come out of hiding!

I have not received as many compliments in the past two weeks in all my life! All the positive feedback that I have received is overwhelming. "Ebony, you are beautiful", "Look at the master diva herself", "This is sooo you", "You look like a model", "I dont even remember what you look like before because its so fitting", "I am sooo happy for you"....and the list goes on. The support that I have received from my fellow "natural sistahs" has been quite a blessing. All the tutorials, free samples,and words of love I will forever cherish on this journey. I have received gifts from hats to jewelry to greeting cards...words cant express how much it means to me that people are willing to celebrate and hold me accountable during this difficult time.

Some days I allow my mind to wonder and attempt to answer the questions so many people ask including my barber: what are you going to do---lock it? twist it? straighten it? fro it? But just as my salvation journey I take it day by day not knowing what Im going to do "with it", but knowing that each season will look different and I will take it as it comes.

Im free
Praise the Lord, Im free
No longer bound
No more chains holding me
My soul is resting
Its just a blessing
Praise the Lord, Hallelujah, Im free

not another blow!

I really wanna write about the revelation regarding my "big chop" but I am compelled to blog about another issue that is piercing my heart on today.

Most of you who will be reading this understand that this blog is not a site used to draw others to it but rather a storage for my inner most thoughts. Although I have not received the full revelation has to why as a child I was violated/abused/mishandled on multiple accounts by multiple people; I am coming into the knowledge of how those encounters are affecting me now as an adult. With this knowledge comes an innate response when I witness someone who shares my journey.

As I look at my family, watch the news, and listen to to stories of other sexual abuse survivors I sometimes become angered that so many people have still never been told that it was not their fault and that the perpetrator was WRONG. As a victim it is difficult to watch someone who stole your very innocence receive royalty treatment from someone that say they love you. You take the step to share such a shameful experience but business continues as usual and this causes yet another blow to a wound that continues to heal over a lifetime for some people. Do I believe in forgiveness? Absolutely! But we must remember that forgiveness is not the act of pacifying the person that rendered wrong but being strong enough to "let it go" so that it no longer keeps you bound. Forgiveness does not always have a look but it is rather a heart condition. I can forgive someone but out of respect and love for myself make the decision that I will not allow them into my inner circle...and I want people to know that, that is OK. Dont think because you have forgiven, you are obliged to make it "right". Make is well with your soul and move on... I think about the Bishop Eddie Long case and I sit in dismay when I hear its members supporting him and insisting there was no foul play. I am not dismayed that he has supporters, but I am dismayed that these are the same people that went to church with the young men and now the young men have to watch their church family minimize and sometimes totally negate something that has caused them great pain and will cause a permanent shift in their lives....not another blow!

 I visited my grandmothers house the other day and was informed that a person that molested her grandson (who she has custody of) was now residing back in her home. She was able to justify this decision by sharing that the person was beat up really bad by their mother and was living on the streets. My soul screamed..BUT WHAT ABOUT THE LITTLE BOY???!!!! What does this say to him? How does this help him move forward? Do I think she should have intervened on the persons behalf...sure. Do I believe the intervention should have been to offer her home...absolutely not! Whether major or subtle it is disheartening when the ones you love continue with business as usual as if your life has not been shattered and you are not doing everything you can to pick up the pieces. We are silently yelling: help me pick up the pieces, dont slap them out of my hand. I know that some family dynamics makes it difficult but the conversation must be had as to how not to violate someone who has already suffered the ultimate violation. We sit back and watch YOU (our loved ones) laugh and joke with our perpetrators, go into business deals with them...everything but hold them accountable for what they have done. So not only do they get away with murder (which symbolically  it "kills" people to the core), but you have to sit back and watch encounter by encounter as you are being indirectly told that what happened to you was nothing at all....and as you watch your spirit dies.

Not another blow!

Speak for Me

You know my name but I am not at the foremost of your thoughts because I am not spoken of often. Many people have me but the shame I am associated with causes an invisible seal to run across their lips and my affect is not able to echo in the ears of those who can control me. Although the root cause of me is different depending on the person who has me my end result can end in death. So many millions of people struggle with me but say nothing. So many millions of people feel me but say nothing. So many people hear me but say nothing. They live with me and still say nothing. I am a killer, I am a robber, I am a thief. I kill people, I rob them of their joy and strength, I steal their dreams. So many people try to kill me but I wont die...there is no cure for me. Those that survive my raft have mastered controlling me but as soon as I catch them slipping I will go for the kill. Who am I you ask? I am depression!

In honor of Don Harman, fox 4 news anchor who recently committed suicide after battling with depression for years I speak for him. I not only speak for him, but I speak with him. So many of us struggle with this silent  killer and say nothing. Breaking the Silence with bring attention to a disease that so many people are affected by. So many people were shocked when the heard the news of Dons suicide. The continual response was: he was so upbeat, funny, and full of life. From experience, I can tell you that this disease does not have a look-and as a result in order for you to know its there, it need a voice. It is a dark cloud that appears when there is no more lights, camera, and action of entertaining others. It disguises itself behind the smiles of beautiful people who feel they are constantly in the ring fighting their last fight....but the fight doesnt end so you conceptualize: how can I make this go away? I prayed and cried, prayed and cried but during my darkest moments you revisited me. I visited emergency rooms trying to explain that "something was not right" and they gave me the cold shoulder because they could not physically see my pain. I talked with friends and family who wanted so deeply to take this cloud away but they did not truly know how. Ive seen people take psychotropic meds and lose their sense of vitality and I didnt want that for myself. Its unfortunate that people dont listen until tragedy strikes. If you pay close attention to "me" I speak in many different ways but you have to have an ear to hear me. I will tell you that I am losing my zeal, something seems off, nothing excites me, I dont see a way out, I am overwhelmed/stressed, I dont feel loved, appreciated, or understood, I feel invisible although many surround me. For some people it is a whisper, for others its a moan, while others are screaming for help. But, if we listed we can hear it and we can treat it.

My "ah ha" moment was when I felt I was at my breaking point (of suicide), and I was talking with my first lady about some of the things that my mind, heart, body, and soul were doing as a result of this cloud over my head. She did not aggressively tell me that it was the devil and attempt to soak me in holy oil but she did look me in my eyes and tell be that I was a fighter, and fighters win. She told me to take it one day at a time and when I felt blue to call her. This was great advice as a person who understands the dynamics of depression, the overwhelming feeling is generated from thinking that "things will always be this way" and "I am not willing to live this way forever". So, to hear her say tomorrow is not our concern, but today we will deal with. Ever since that moment each day I take as a new one not trying to foresee what my cloud will look like a week from now. Another piece of information that she shared that resonated with me was "Ebony, even if you kill yourself, this disease will not go away". She communicated that this will continue to plague the lives of many beginning with my own siblings. I could have taken my life that day, but I would have left the disease behind and the thought of thought floored me. Death, for me was my way of getting rid of it but to feel in my gut that even in my death it would still run ramped I decided that day to fight. That day I fought for my life, and today I fight for my life, my hope is that tomorrow I will have the strength to keep fighting. I do sometimes fear what will I do if it comes in like a flood...and I dont have an answer for that, as stated earlier I live day by day. I have experienced some grey days since that talk and I hold my head high and say today you can fight this. I do read the bible, which I have taken as my life instruction. This allows my mind to be regulated and gives me a vehicle to communicate when I think noone else is listening. I am grateful for my sister who is able to see the sign of me becoming "heavy" as I call it. She does not badger me but points out her observation and commends me for fighting. Is hard-yes, Will I win-indeed. My hope is that others will use their voices when the cloud begins to hang low over their lives. We need to talk about the silent killers that sometimes bring on depression i.e. sexual abuse/incest, domestic violence, hiv/aids, debt, sexuality...and many more. As we sit back and say nothing, we die a silent death. When I die, I want to know that YOU heard me and as a result somebody else made themselves heard as well.

Until next time...I am realizing post by post that "evenebony" is prophetically manifesting itself in my life.


SN: Sooooo....I did the "bog chop" and will blog about it soon. Its a new season, Its a new day!

bag lady

On this crisp morning as I am riding to work my mind begins to wonder. I wonder on 11-28-2011 where my father is...I wonder if hes in a safe, warm, loving place. As I wonder where he is on this day 28 of the 11th month during the year 2011, I cant help but take a jog down memory lane.

This man, short in stature with a smile of a million miles surfaced ever so often during my younger years. I remember spending days in the screen door waiting to see him from afar and listening to the drum beats of my heart. When I saw him my heart would race with anxiety not knowing what to expect but knowing that a treat awaited me. When he never showed my heart beat would stop as I sat in great disappointment. I could see him far off as there weren't many trees in my neighborhood. just complexes in close proximity to one another but enough open space to see the happenings of the hood. His walk was swift as he approached in his cut off jeans, v neck white T and duffel bag. There was always something in that bag for me and my sister from hot chips, to lip gloss, perfumes, and even bra/panty sets. I never questioned what was the motivation for such items or even how they were retrieved but later on my mother explained that my father was a thief. As a social worker and being privyed to working with the homeless population I am led to believe he carried personal belongings as well. My dad never had a place that he could call his own from what I can remember. He usually resided with his mother, other family members, prison, half way houses and I am assuming constituents he would meet on his road to .......who knows where but on "his road".

Over the years I would receive a letter or phone call that would pretty much say the same thing they have said since the beginning of time. The letters had a standard "im getting myself together" "forgive and pray for me" concept. He was really good at printing poems and religious sacraments from the internet. When he would call there was always an awkward silence after asking the standard questions how you doing, hows ivory, hows eula, and the other kids? So often my dad would ask the same question over and over again and me and my sister would just laugh telling him he had already said it. He would ask us how we were doing over and over again. I wonder if he thought the answer would change in a matter of 5 minutes or if he just didnt know what else to say.....i think i will go with the latter.lol.

The older I get the more I cant help but wonder if some of my struggles and/or success can be traced back to my parents, regardless of their lack of rearing; something like a spiritual or DNA transfer ie. nature vs. nurture. I must say that most of the spiritual and DNA make-up probably pre determined my destiny but some kind of interruption said 'not so'. As I allow my mind to wonder, I cant help but be grateful that I have had the privilege of living a life that my parents have only dreamed of and I am led to believe (a little birdy told me) that the best is yet to come. As I embark on new journeys I still think of you dad. I wonder if you are in a safe, warm, and loving place. I wonder if I saw you today what would you pull out of your duffle bag in an attempt to give me a just a piece of what you had. I realize over the years that you did not have much to give and I am sure that was the main motivation for you staying away. Your struggles with drugs and institutions stole a needed intrigal piece needed for restoration....TIME (which I've learned waits for noone). Its easy for me to say that all I really wanted was your love, but today I realize you didnt have that to give either. I am blessed that just as my mother, in the midst of lifes turmoil which caused some mental incapacities (sometimes while high and/or drunk) I am convinced you found it necessary to pray well wishes upon my life. As you walked around with your duffle bag going to and fro, I can see you in my dreams wishing that I would not experience the life you had experienced. Although, my life has seen its fair share of ashes...I want you to know that I am now receiving beauty for them. Day by day, moment by moment I am being freed from every encounter and experience that I use to hate you for not saving me from.-As I am being freed, I free you :).

Naturally so, I dont know what its like to be a bag lady (by the grace of God), but spiritually I know what it feels like to carry around a duffel filled with things Ive picked up along the way. Not quite feeling like I found a place that I no longer needed to carry this bag for security and comfort. It had become an act of habit...I learned to live with my duffel even though I knew I had a place to stay. Now that I am settling in....Im finding that I have no use to carry around this duffel anymore. I dont know what this lil ol' bag lady is gone do now that she is lighter on her feet.lol. But before I retire it I have a few things that were stored at the bottom that I forgot I put in here as it was buried beneath some hurtful things but I am so glad I found it and I want you to have it....daddy I want to give you this forgiveness, love, peace, joy, health, and prosperity. On this crisp day, I hope you are in a safe, warm, loving place :).

From your honorary bag lady,

-ebony eyes

Daddy...evenme....and you know what evenyou.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OqN0jsSeqPo&ob=av2e

food and family

The season of thanksgiving has come and is now going. One month of thanksgiving just to transition to a month of wish lists. The energy of gratitude that flows from one person to another I wish was more consistent throughout the year. The month of November causes millions of people to put life into its proper perspective. We focus on what is important, we focus on what we have, we focus on how bad things could be....WE FOCUS. The busyness of life causes us as a people to to be a focus-less people. We become compulsive and less sensitive to our needs and the needs of others. The Holidays force you to acknowledge that the season is not filled with pleasant greetings for all. As I sit around the thanksgiving table at Hope Royale (post tx housing where my mom is staying) in rural Missouri I look at the faces of those in the room and cant help but wonder about the details of their "story". As a man shares that his wife passed in April, and another is calling family members who are too far for touch to wish them a happy holiday my heart mourned for those whose thanksgiving is not filled with family and food. Moments later, I was reminded of the prayer that was executed that labeled everyone at the table as one big family. Yeah, it was non traditional when compared to the mom, dad, kids, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins...that we consider as family, but it was sure doing the trick for those (for whatever reason) did not have access to that formula. Many people across the world spend Thanksgiving and Christmas with no one to share it with or with the absence of loved ones. Although it is expected as we live on this side of heaven that loss will visit us all, it doesn't make it any easier of a pill to swallow. So, as this season comes and goes my prayer is that the lonely and desolate will be comforted and know that there is nothing traditional about being traditional at all. Food and Family feeds the heart in a way nothing else can. My family today consists of siblings, my mom, and adopted extended family. As the siblings grow older we will establish our own families and life as we know it will look different. As seasons of life change ones family will look different: From churches to nursing homes to prisons to neighbors to work to roommates to pets.....I thank God for family (whatever that may look like). Until next time.....evenme :)

Sexual Health.....and Wellness.

Ahhhh Haaaa! There is no greater feeling than finding your niche, your purpose, your "calling". I had the privilege of attending the United States Conference on Aids this weekend in Chicago, Illinois. Something happend this weekend that cannot exactly be explained in words but there was definitely a shift. I went from "I hope I receive a tool that will assist me in my position as a medical social worker" to "I am excited about being a part of a movement!"

When i interviewed at the Good Samaritan Project over a year ago I wondered what brought me there. My motivation was to have the opportunity to work in a hospital setting---for anyone who knows about the struggling salary of a social worker, having the opportunity to work in a hospital setting would open doors for a greater income, greater benefits, and upward mobility. I tell people all the time that my interview was very much a spiritual experience....there was a connection that I had with the Director that i felt compelled to take the offer although the original position I had applied for was no longer available. Now, I was still working with those infected with HIV/Aids but I was not in a hospital setting. I had never worked with this population before and had never had an interest in this epidemic. Fast forward to today....the year that i have been with this agency had been the greatest year of growth and self realization that I have ever had. As a survivor of sexual abuse and exploitation, through this position I had become comfortable with SEXUALITY. I can talk about sex in its most healthy form as well as in its most unhealthiest form. Who would ever think that someone who had experienced a life of sexual violation would have the ability to work in such a field. Ahhhh Haaaaa! Although, i would never justify such an experience it amazes me how the very thing that tried to take my life is now giving my life purpose. Within my first year at GSP my director had moved on and I still asked myself soooo....although you are a good social worker where does this whole HIV/AIDS concept fit in to the big picture. I would continually ask myself: what is your niche? I have a co-workers who have niches that included: insurance, africa, families, prison...etc all around this HIV/Aids phenomenon. Then I find myself at the United States Conference on Aids crying after a session titled: Many Women, One Voice. The energy in that one room I believe shifted the purpose of my own existence. I was overwhelmed yet inspired about my willingness and ability to: speak life, after death. WOW! MY connection to the lack of sexual health and wellness in the black community put off invisible fireworks right above my head. My spirit screamed at the importance of: breaking the silence and the conservative morals that keep us in bondage. There are so many concepts that are wrapped up in this idea of sexual health and wellness from....insurance, sexual abuse, stds, domestic violence, mental health....I came to the conclusion that a lack of education and self love has caused our communities to die without experiencing a life of healthy sexuality, self love, and freedom. The idea of sex and love needs to be redefined! I was ecstatic to hear that the conversation had started! I am excited about being a part of this conversation. I am excited about being a part of this movement. I am excited about looking a black woman in her face and saying: You are beautiful, You are worth it, You can own it, You deserve it, and You can do it~GET TESTED! This is not an act of accusing but an act of self-love. This is not an act of betrayal but an act of responsibility. This is a major step in taking control of your life, owning the results and learning how to move forward. This is a deliberate act of faith! We can catch illness...but we cannot catch health! Getting Tested it the just the beginning of Choosing Life!

A sexual experience is a very spiritual one. Realizing this, we must also realize....when done right it can add to your life but when done wrong it will take away. It can rob you of your freedom, your esteem, your ability to love.... and this we carry with us. This monkey on your back makes it difficult to get a pap or breast exam. This monkey makes it difficult to get a pat down at the airport. This monkey makes it difficult to trust friends, family, and significant others. This monkey, puts up limits and bars of fear. We learn to live with this monkey, when we internally have the power to demand that it get off of our back! Many Women, One Voice-----the conversation has begun and I believe the movement of sexual liberation/freedom through WELLNESS will cause many to break the silence and in turn break the cycle so that our little black girls and boys will learn that sex was never meant to hurt or add sorrow to ones life.

I am inspired and as a result I commit to inspiring another :).

balls and barrettes

No, I didnt have her but I feel as if she is one of my own. I remember vaguely her as a new born baby but my memory returns of the thought of dirty diapers in which I changed as she looked up with those big beautiful eyes but not yet having a vocabulary to express what she may have been thinking. I wondered then what she was thinking and I still wonder that today. She grew right before my very eyes and I watched myself give her what I always wanted. What I enjoyed most was the ability to comb all that long pretty thick hair. Walking to JMart on Independence Ave just to pick out color coordinated balls and barrettes was a joy for me. From zig zag parts to cornrolled balls I was able to express my love with every part. She sure hated when I grabbed her face with my greasy hands as I gestured her to turn to the right to insure I got the rubber band on tight. Blue Magic glazed her scalp and I am sure that she was frying in the summer sun as she would run and play in her nicely picked out outfits twinned up with her brother and the best balls and barrettes money could buy. I remember the day she graduated from pre-school in her red cap and gown. The balls and barrettes didnt match the cap and gown but I am sure they matched the outfit underneath. With not much to look forward to living in the projects, a womans hair was definately her glory. From finger wavs, to wraps, to braids, to cornrolls, to shirly temple curls...your hair was your joy. I then fast forward to May 2011 as I watched her walk the stage of Park Hill High School in her red cap and gown; obviously, this one was much bigger in size. I did have the privilege of helping her put together what would go underneath but I was not able to give her balls and barrettes. Oh, how I wish I could give her balls and barretttes once more. I guess I just had to settle for clipping her ends before she molds the wrap in which she has so flawlessly worn in her teenage years. I remember asking myself as I had to guide her off to college was it a blessing or a curse that I had to play such a role in her life. Well... now I know...IT WAS A BLESSING! Was it easy, not at all...Was it worth it...absolutely! She is growing into a beautiful young woman and I am extremely proud of her. Do I agree with everything she does...nope. Would I rather she didnt post pics on facebook in a sports bra and bed shorts...yep. If I could I would drive to prairie view a&m and whoop her ass and make her do some pumps, but I cant.lol. So now, I just pray that just as me and Ivory found our way unharmed that the Lord would do the same for her. She is my Angel. She saved my life because through her I had purpose. I am glad that my life resulted in me having to stay home and do hair because my story could have been different. Because I had an Angel, I chose to make decisions that would bless her life. Was it fair....no, will it work for my ultimate good...yes! Now that she is 13 hours away my purpose is being redefined but my new revelation is that as I reared her I was just in a safe holding place and now I shall break free! My Angel, My Angel, My Angel----oh how I love thee!

Harvest

The season of change is fast approaching and I cant help but wander what will transpire in my life and in the lives of those I love. My spirit has been secretly asking God to do a new thing for me in 2012. For so many years Ive sat and watch individuals claim their year of breakthroughs and manifold blessings as I sit back in the shadows happy for them yet sadened for myself. As I sit in church each new years eve and listen to the "2008 is gonna be great" "Its my time in 2009" "I shall win in 2010" "2011....blah, blah, blah" I smile, not quite convinced just smiling. I have mastered my "all is well" smile while my heart is filled with doubt and uncertainty. Although the new years approach the forces that controlled the years before seem to follow me, which causes one year to look just like the next. As my spirit in secret asked God to grant "even me" a year of undoubtable favor that would change the course of my life and shift me from the feelings of defeat to a woman of victory; His response: I am not yet done with 2011. Then I am reminded that I serve a God that could change the course of my life RIGHT NOW. There is an akward balance between knowing you are blessed and being grateful yet feeling: I know there is so much more. I cry because I feel my potential is not being fulfilled and I cry because there are so many who I know would love to wear my shoes. I cry for them, and I cry for me :...(.

As I drove to work today I had a flashback of my bedroom growing up in Charlie Parker Square on 10th and Woodland. I saw myself writing my name on my bedroom wall in red fingernail polish. Every day for years I laid in that bed on a cardboard board box spring and stared at my name. I fell asleep to that image and woke up to that image. I dont know what my intent was then when I wrote it...realizing I was no stranger to beatings but today I am aware that I was able to drift away into that image. The walls of a young girls bed room is here safe place. When the world has had its way with her she is able to return to her room and day dream into the Word Up magazine cutouts of Tupac, Lil Wayne, Usher... and they become the drug in the needle that she shoots up every night to numb the pain. Being married to Tupac in my daydream gave me a reason to live. His hard knock lifestyle provided me with the safety and security I needed and always longed for. Ebony (painted in red fingernail polish) and Tupac with his rag tied around his head created a life of possibility. Ironically, today my favorite color is still red and Tupac is still alive.lol.

During the season of Harvest I cant help but wonder if God is still keeping count of the stolen moments of my youth with the intent of restoring them. And then maybe when I am 50 he will restore the moments in my 20s as I have relived the abuse I suffered. Or maybe, just maybe in 2012 he will restore it all at once and I wont feel like he is on back child support. Or maybe he doesnt owe me anything at all but just because He loves me my latter will be greater. Either way...my cup is out and I am ready to receive!

"All is well, in 2012"....sorry I had to do it.lol. Church folk really crack me up though but you gotta love em,

~even ebony~

whats in a name?

As I sat at my desk yesterday creating my blog profile i was stumped with what to name it. Already nervous of the outcome I was presented with my first road block. Now, for anyone who knows me the simplicity of creating a blog name was about to become life and death for me. A creature of habit by nature can sometimes make the most simplist concepts a science project...but I guess that is a piece of me that makes me special. More often than not, i am inspired through bits and pieces of memory that appear to me in the present...ok, ok I am accepting the fact that the spirit of God lives in me and I hear the still small voice on a regular. At my desk about to consider the fact that I cant come up with a username as a sign to discontinue the thought of blogging, a song that i remember hearing before but couldnt quite sing the words rang so clearly in my head. That song is titled: Even Me. The only portion of the song that I remember is: Even Me, Lord. Not much to go on huh? So with the investigative nature that I have, I googled the lyrics to the song and sat in awe. I looked up towards the heaven and my spirit said: Even Me? and the response received was: Even Ebony. And that is how "we" came up with the name associated with this blog. This taught me a very valuable lesson of trusting God to provide me what I need when I need it and sometimes a move of faith will put you in the position to hear the next move. Although I still dont know what will come of this blog, I will nake a faith declaration that: God is Good All the Time and All the Time....yall know the rest. Now let the church say: Amen.lol. For reference below are the words to Even Me:

I don’t deserve, the love You’ve shown
The blood You’ve shed, covers my wrong
Beyond my faults, Oh, Lord You see,
And said You’d still use, use even me

Oh, Lord I’ve tried, to do my best
Although sometimes, I do much less
You’ve called my name and, and I ran away
But still You called me another day

Yes, even me Lord, even me
Though scarred and broken, and unworthy
My guilty stains, You washed them clean
And said You’d still use, use even me

Sometimes I fall, and make mistakes
But brand new mercies, You show everyday
You are my strength, when I get weak
And out of the darkness, You lifted me

Yes, even me Lord, even me
Though scarred and broken, and unworthy
My guilty stains, You washed them clean
And said You’d still use, use even me

Oh, even me, even me, Lord use even me
Though I’m scarred and broken, scarred and broken, and unworthy
My guilty stains, You washed them clean
But You coulda used anybody else, anybody else, but Lord, You still used me

By: Crystal Aikin

A journey of 1,000 miles begins with one step....

I remember in my youth when I was inteviewed by Fox 4 news and the Kansas City Star prior to my visit to meet President Bush I was asked: What do you want to be when you grow up? After naming every civil/social service position imaginable: "I wanna be a social worker, probation office, teacher, foster parent....and I want to be an AUTHOR". Fast foward 10 years later, I have earned my MSW and have mastered the art of working with people. As I share my plight of self discovery with co-workers we have came to the conclusion that something is missing. Although I enjoy social work for the most part, I must say that I dont see myself retiring from it; and if there are no forseen income increases I cant see myself entering my 30's as a social worker.lol. What would I do instead? I am glad you asked...unfortunately I dont have an answer for you yet but I do aknowledge that I enjoy the preparing lesson plans, faciliting, engaging people, and evaluating. One would think that I would want to be a teacher but my thoughts are "maybe", but not in the traditional sense :(. As I explain my dreams and aspirations to co-workers, the idea of being a "trainer" doesnt sound too bad but it would definately have to be a created position as this economy does not currently have many posted positions in the area. Well...thank God a decision doesnt have to be made today but I am definately exploring where I see myself excelling and enjoying what I do without having to choose between groceries and electricity. I have heard over the years that I have "a way with words", "i can explain a complicated concept in laymen terms", "i can articulate how i feel very eloquently", "i always have the right thing to say", "i can write in a way that touches the heart".....if you can name it most likely ive heard it. Ironically in one weeks time I was told three times by three different people that I needed to explore putting my thoughts on paper i.e. becoming an AUTHOR. As you could imagine all kind of things began to flood my mind: am i ready? is what i have to say grammatically correct? where do i start? what would i write about?...I was then reminded that "a journey of 1,000 miles begins with one step". I am not sure where this blog will take me but it is my "one step", my "faith step". I wont give it much thought as I will think myself right out of it but i will commit to visiting this page and sharing my thoughts, my feelings, my spirit with whoever chooses to follow me. I was honored and overwhelmed at the thought that I reminded someone of Oprah, Iyanla Vanzant, or Michelle Obama! I said: who me? They say: yes you. The general response has been "you have a story to tell as well". I then shake my head in agreeance as my heart is filled with joy and my spirit leaps at the thought that my lifes journey could help someone on their lifes journey. This could be the beginning of me finding my lifes purpose...will i do "social work", im convinced; will i be a "social worker", not so convinced. Could I be an Author? Well 10 years ago that young lady thought so...where the hell is she when you need her; she is within trying to kick her way out and I shall give birth to her.

-Even Me? Even Me. Even Me!