Harvest

The season of change is fast approaching and I cant help but wander what will transpire in my life and in the lives of those I love. My spirit has been secretly asking God to do a new thing for me in 2012. For so many years Ive sat and watch individuals claim their year of breakthroughs and manifold blessings as I sit back in the shadows happy for them yet sadened for myself. As I sit in church each new years eve and listen to the "2008 is gonna be great" "Its my time in 2009" "I shall win in 2010" "2011....blah, blah, blah" I smile, not quite convinced just smiling. I have mastered my "all is well" smile while my heart is filled with doubt and uncertainty. Although the new years approach the forces that controlled the years before seem to follow me, which causes one year to look just like the next. As my spirit in secret asked God to grant "even me" a year of undoubtable favor that would change the course of my life and shift me from the feelings of defeat to a woman of victory; His response: I am not yet done with 2011. Then I am reminded that I serve a God that could change the course of my life RIGHT NOW. There is an akward balance between knowing you are blessed and being grateful yet feeling: I know there is so much more. I cry because I feel my potential is not being fulfilled and I cry because there are so many who I know would love to wear my shoes. I cry for them, and I cry for me :...(.

As I drove to work today I had a flashback of my bedroom growing up in Charlie Parker Square on 10th and Woodland. I saw myself writing my name on my bedroom wall in red fingernail polish. Every day for years I laid in that bed on a cardboard board box spring and stared at my name. I fell asleep to that image and woke up to that image. I dont know what my intent was then when I wrote it...realizing I was no stranger to beatings but today I am aware that I was able to drift away into that image. The walls of a young girls bed room is here safe place. When the world has had its way with her she is able to return to her room and day dream into the Word Up magazine cutouts of Tupac, Lil Wayne, Usher... and they become the drug in the needle that she shoots up every night to numb the pain. Being married to Tupac in my daydream gave me a reason to live. His hard knock lifestyle provided me with the safety and security I needed and always longed for. Ebony (painted in red fingernail polish) and Tupac with his rag tied around his head created a life of possibility. Ironically, today my favorite color is still red and Tupac is still alive.lol.

During the season of Harvest I cant help but wonder if God is still keeping count of the stolen moments of my youth with the intent of restoring them. And then maybe when I am 50 he will restore the moments in my 20s as I have relived the abuse I suffered. Or maybe, just maybe in 2012 he will restore it all at once and I wont feel like he is on back child support. Or maybe he doesnt owe me anything at all but just because He loves me my latter will be greater. Either way...my cup is out and I am ready to receive!

"All is well, in 2012"....sorry I had to do it.lol. Church folk really crack me up though but you gotta love em,

~even ebony~

whats in a name?

As I sat at my desk yesterday creating my blog profile i was stumped with what to name it. Already nervous of the outcome I was presented with my first road block. Now, for anyone who knows me the simplicity of creating a blog name was about to become life and death for me. A creature of habit by nature can sometimes make the most simplist concepts a science project...but I guess that is a piece of me that makes me special. More often than not, i am inspired through bits and pieces of memory that appear to me in the present...ok, ok I am accepting the fact that the spirit of God lives in me and I hear the still small voice on a regular. At my desk about to consider the fact that I cant come up with a username as a sign to discontinue the thought of blogging, a song that i remember hearing before but couldnt quite sing the words rang so clearly in my head. That song is titled: Even Me. The only portion of the song that I remember is: Even Me, Lord. Not much to go on huh? So with the investigative nature that I have, I googled the lyrics to the song and sat in awe. I looked up towards the heaven and my spirit said: Even Me? and the response received was: Even Ebony. And that is how "we" came up with the name associated with this blog. This taught me a very valuable lesson of trusting God to provide me what I need when I need it and sometimes a move of faith will put you in the position to hear the next move. Although I still dont know what will come of this blog, I will nake a faith declaration that: God is Good All the Time and All the Time....yall know the rest. Now let the church say: Amen.lol. For reference below are the words to Even Me:

I don’t deserve, the love You’ve shown
The blood You’ve shed, covers my wrong
Beyond my faults, Oh, Lord You see,
And said You’d still use, use even me

Oh, Lord I’ve tried, to do my best
Although sometimes, I do much less
You’ve called my name and, and I ran away
But still You called me another day

Yes, even me Lord, even me
Though scarred and broken, and unworthy
My guilty stains, You washed them clean
And said You’d still use, use even me

Sometimes I fall, and make mistakes
But brand new mercies, You show everyday
You are my strength, when I get weak
And out of the darkness, You lifted me

Yes, even me Lord, even me
Though scarred and broken, and unworthy
My guilty stains, You washed them clean
And said You’d still use, use even me

Oh, even me, even me, Lord use even me
Though I’m scarred and broken, scarred and broken, and unworthy
My guilty stains, You washed them clean
But You coulda used anybody else, anybody else, but Lord, You still used me

By: Crystal Aikin

A journey of 1,000 miles begins with one step....

I remember in my youth when I was inteviewed by Fox 4 news and the Kansas City Star prior to my visit to meet President Bush I was asked: What do you want to be when you grow up? After naming every civil/social service position imaginable: "I wanna be a social worker, probation office, teacher, foster parent....and I want to be an AUTHOR". Fast foward 10 years later, I have earned my MSW and have mastered the art of working with people. As I share my plight of self discovery with co-workers we have came to the conclusion that something is missing. Although I enjoy social work for the most part, I must say that I dont see myself retiring from it; and if there are no forseen income increases I cant see myself entering my 30's as a social worker.lol. What would I do instead? I am glad you asked...unfortunately I dont have an answer for you yet but I do aknowledge that I enjoy the preparing lesson plans, faciliting, engaging people, and evaluating. One would think that I would want to be a teacher but my thoughts are "maybe", but not in the traditional sense :(. As I explain my dreams and aspirations to co-workers, the idea of being a "trainer" doesnt sound too bad but it would definately have to be a created position as this economy does not currently have many posted positions in the area. Well...thank God a decision doesnt have to be made today but I am definately exploring where I see myself excelling and enjoying what I do without having to choose between groceries and electricity. I have heard over the years that I have "a way with words", "i can explain a complicated concept in laymen terms", "i can articulate how i feel very eloquently", "i always have the right thing to say", "i can write in a way that touches the heart".....if you can name it most likely ive heard it. Ironically in one weeks time I was told three times by three different people that I needed to explore putting my thoughts on paper i.e. becoming an AUTHOR. As you could imagine all kind of things began to flood my mind: am i ready? is what i have to say grammatically correct? where do i start? what would i write about?...I was then reminded that "a journey of 1,000 miles begins with one step". I am not sure where this blog will take me but it is my "one step", my "faith step". I wont give it much thought as I will think myself right out of it but i will commit to visiting this page and sharing my thoughts, my feelings, my spirit with whoever chooses to follow me. I was honored and overwhelmed at the thought that I reminded someone of Oprah, Iyanla Vanzant, or Michelle Obama! I said: who me? They say: yes you. The general response has been "you have a story to tell as well". I then shake my head in agreeance as my heart is filled with joy and my spirit leaps at the thought that my lifes journey could help someone on their lifes journey. This could be the beginning of me finding my lifes purpose...will i do "social work", im convinced; will i be a "social worker", not so convinced. Could I be an Author? Well 10 years ago that young lady thought so...where the hell is she when you need her; she is within trying to kick her way out and I shall give birth to her.

-Even Me? Even Me. Even Me!