The big cut!

My hair is gone!....but I am still here :). For the past month or so I felt the urge to experiment with the "natural" phenomenon. As badly as I wanted to "transition" my heart screamed :ALL OR NOTHING! On Dec. 1st 2011, I knew it was time to break through fear, uncertainty, and doubt and begin what I would call my "crown and glory journey". I made an appointment with a barber to have my hair cut off and when I arrived she was not present and when I called her she replied that she forgot all about me and proceeded an attempt to reschedule. I declined, knowing that this was the day and I could not afford to talk myself out of this much needed move! I then began to brainstorm alternative barber shops and Joey Cuts was the one that rang the loudest. On my lunch break may I remind you, I went into Joey cuts and he asks: you need your eye-brows done and I replied no. His follow-up question was if I needed a line and I replied I needed a cut. With an intent to end the conversation he says: well out stylist is not in today heres her card and I state: no i want it all off. He says: all off! and I say: yes, all off!. Slowly and with great hesitance I was directed to the chair. The barber continued to ask me if I was sure? Are you sure you dont want to "transition"?. I almost had to grab the clippers myself just to get my point across. Realizing, the customer is always right...I ended up with fade...and I didnt even cry.

I am not someone who is in tune with the spiritual significance of ones hair but I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt that this was nothing short of a spiritual declaration for me. The more I struggled with the concept thinking: what will i look like, what will people think, what will i do with the awkward in between stages...it was the closest thing I could compare to my salvation journey. As I sought salvation I thought: what would i look like, what would people think, and what will i do with the awkward in between stages.lol. Just as Salvation, it was difficult to explain the "WHY" to people but there is a resonating "the time is now" that takes place in innermost part of your spirit. Although you are secure in your decision to choose Christ and would like to share what you have found with others, you are aware that in order for it to come from an authentic place they have to be ready to do it for themselves (just like the "big cut").

MY big cut represents so much and the significance of Dec. 1, 2011 will forever be a part of my "story". My "big cut" represents:

-freedom-----freedom to live, love, and laugh with no boundaries.
-surrender----permission to surrender all the weights that so easily beset me.
-faith---- the ability to move forward even when i cant see what the end is gone be.
-recover----to take back the innocence of my youth that was lost a long time ago.
-beauty-----i am not my hair or any other part of me that can be transformed to reflect splendor ... I am so much more!
and
-health---- Beloved, I wish above all things that though mayest prosper and be in health, even as thy soul prospereth.

I told myself...this is not a haircut but a healthcut. This represents the shedding away process as well as the process of adding on. This step has inspired me to take the wheel in a way that I never have before and the results are going to blow my mind (says the Lord)! My "big cut" is an outward expression of a new found inner truth and I am rocking it!

Yes, there have been days where I havent felt my prettiest but from the inside out a voice speaks to the little black wounded girl in the mirror and says: oh i wish you could see what I see. And with every splash of lip color, and every swipe of mascara I notice features that were unnoticed before: my cheeks, my forehead, the shape of my head...and my spirit speaks again: I'm so glad you have come out of hiding!

I have not received as many compliments in the past two weeks in all my life! All the positive feedback that I have received is overwhelming. "Ebony, you are beautiful", "Look at the master diva herself", "This is sooo you", "You look like a model", "I dont even remember what you look like before because its so fitting", "I am sooo happy for you"....and the list goes on. The support that I have received from my fellow "natural sistahs" has been quite a blessing. All the tutorials, free samples,and words of love I will forever cherish on this journey. I have received gifts from hats to jewelry to greeting cards...words cant express how much it means to me that people are willing to celebrate and hold me accountable during this difficult time.

Some days I allow my mind to wonder and attempt to answer the questions so many people ask including my barber: what are you going to do---lock it? twist it? straighten it? fro it? But just as my salvation journey I take it day by day not knowing what Im going to do "with it", but knowing that each season will look different and I will take it as it comes.

Im free
Praise the Lord, Im free
No longer bound
No more chains holding me
My soul is resting
Its just a blessing
Praise the Lord, Hallelujah, Im free