not another blow!

I really wanna write about the revelation regarding my "big chop" but I am compelled to blog about another issue that is piercing my heart on today.

Most of you who will be reading this understand that this blog is not a site used to draw others to it but rather a storage for my inner most thoughts. Although I have not received the full revelation has to why as a child I was violated/abused/mishandled on multiple accounts by multiple people; I am coming into the knowledge of how those encounters are affecting me now as an adult. With this knowledge comes an innate response when I witness someone who shares my journey.

As I look at my family, watch the news, and listen to to stories of other sexual abuse survivors I sometimes become angered that so many people have still never been told that it was not their fault and that the perpetrator was WRONG. As a victim it is difficult to watch someone who stole your very innocence receive royalty treatment from someone that say they love you. You take the step to share such a shameful experience but business continues as usual and this causes yet another blow to a wound that continues to heal over a lifetime for some people. Do I believe in forgiveness? Absolutely! But we must remember that forgiveness is not the act of pacifying the person that rendered wrong but being strong enough to "let it go" so that it no longer keeps you bound. Forgiveness does not always have a look but it is rather a heart condition. I can forgive someone but out of respect and love for myself make the decision that I will not allow them into my inner circle...and I want people to know that, that is OK. Dont think because you have forgiven, you are obliged to make it "right". Make is well with your soul and move on... I think about the Bishop Eddie Long case and I sit in dismay when I hear its members supporting him and insisting there was no foul play. I am not dismayed that he has supporters, but I am dismayed that these are the same people that went to church with the young men and now the young men have to watch their church family minimize and sometimes totally negate something that has caused them great pain and will cause a permanent shift in their lives....not another blow!

 I visited my grandmothers house the other day and was informed that a person that molested her grandson (who she has custody of) was now residing back in her home. She was able to justify this decision by sharing that the person was beat up really bad by their mother and was living on the streets. My soul screamed..BUT WHAT ABOUT THE LITTLE BOY???!!!! What does this say to him? How does this help him move forward? Do I think she should have intervened on the persons behalf...sure. Do I believe the intervention should have been to offer her home...absolutely not! Whether major or subtle it is disheartening when the ones you love continue with business as usual as if your life has not been shattered and you are not doing everything you can to pick up the pieces. We are silently yelling: help me pick up the pieces, dont slap them out of my hand. I know that some family dynamics makes it difficult but the conversation must be had as to how not to violate someone who has already suffered the ultimate violation. We sit back and watch YOU (our loved ones) laugh and joke with our perpetrators, go into business deals with them...everything but hold them accountable for what they have done. So not only do they get away with murder (which symbolically  it "kills" people to the core), but you have to sit back and watch encounter by encounter as you are being indirectly told that what happened to you was nothing at all....and as you watch your spirit dies.

Not another blow!