Speak for Me

You know my name but I am not at the foremost of your thoughts because I am not spoken of often. Many people have me but the shame I am associated with causes an invisible seal to run across their lips and my affect is not able to echo in the ears of those who can control me. Although the root cause of me is different depending on the person who has me my end result can end in death. So many millions of people struggle with me but say nothing. So many millions of people feel me but say nothing. So many people hear me but say nothing. They live with me and still say nothing. I am a killer, I am a robber, I am a thief. I kill people, I rob them of their joy and strength, I steal their dreams. So many people try to kill me but I wont die...there is no cure for me. Those that survive my raft have mastered controlling me but as soon as I catch them slipping I will go for the kill. Who am I you ask? I am depression!

In honor of Don Harman, fox 4 news anchor who recently committed suicide after battling with depression for years I speak for him. I not only speak for him, but I speak with him. So many of us struggle with this silent  killer and say nothing. Breaking the Silence with bring attention to a disease that so many people are affected by. So many people were shocked when the heard the news of Dons suicide. The continual response was: he was so upbeat, funny, and full of life. From experience, I can tell you that this disease does not have a look-and as a result in order for you to know its there, it need a voice. It is a dark cloud that appears when there is no more lights, camera, and action of entertaining others. It disguises itself behind the smiles of beautiful people who feel they are constantly in the ring fighting their last fight....but the fight doesnt end so you conceptualize: how can I make this go away? I prayed and cried, prayed and cried but during my darkest moments you revisited me. I visited emergency rooms trying to explain that "something was not right" and they gave me the cold shoulder because they could not physically see my pain. I talked with friends and family who wanted so deeply to take this cloud away but they did not truly know how. Ive seen people take psychotropic meds and lose their sense of vitality and I didnt want that for myself. Its unfortunate that people dont listen until tragedy strikes. If you pay close attention to "me" I speak in many different ways but you have to have an ear to hear me. I will tell you that I am losing my zeal, something seems off, nothing excites me, I dont see a way out, I am overwhelmed/stressed, I dont feel loved, appreciated, or understood, I feel invisible although many surround me. For some people it is a whisper, for others its a moan, while others are screaming for help. But, if we listed we can hear it and we can treat it.

My "ah ha" moment was when I felt I was at my breaking point (of suicide), and I was talking with my first lady about some of the things that my mind, heart, body, and soul were doing as a result of this cloud over my head. She did not aggressively tell me that it was the devil and attempt to soak me in holy oil but she did look me in my eyes and tell be that I was a fighter, and fighters win. She told me to take it one day at a time and when I felt blue to call her. This was great advice as a person who understands the dynamics of depression, the overwhelming feeling is generated from thinking that "things will always be this way" and "I am not willing to live this way forever". So, to hear her say tomorrow is not our concern, but today we will deal with. Ever since that moment each day I take as a new one not trying to foresee what my cloud will look like a week from now. Another piece of information that she shared that resonated with me was "Ebony, even if you kill yourself, this disease will not go away". She communicated that this will continue to plague the lives of many beginning with my own siblings. I could have taken my life that day, but I would have left the disease behind and the thought of thought floored me. Death, for me was my way of getting rid of it but to feel in my gut that even in my death it would still run ramped I decided that day to fight. That day I fought for my life, and today I fight for my life, my hope is that tomorrow I will have the strength to keep fighting. I do sometimes fear what will I do if it comes in like a flood...and I dont have an answer for that, as stated earlier I live day by day. I have experienced some grey days since that talk and I hold my head high and say today you can fight this. I do read the bible, which I have taken as my life instruction. This allows my mind to be regulated and gives me a vehicle to communicate when I think noone else is listening. I am grateful for my sister who is able to see the sign of me becoming "heavy" as I call it. She does not badger me but points out her observation and commends me for fighting. Is hard-yes, Will I win-indeed. My hope is that others will use their voices when the cloud begins to hang low over their lives. We need to talk about the silent killers that sometimes bring on depression i.e. sexual abuse/incest, domestic violence, hiv/aids, debt, sexuality...and many more. As we sit back and say nothing, we die a silent death. When I die, I want to know that YOU heard me and as a result somebody else made themselves heard as well.

Until next time...I am realizing post by post that "evenebony" is prophetically manifesting itself in my life.


SN: Sooooo....I did the "bog chop" and will blog about it soon. Its a new season, Its a new day!