Wheres my change?

I remember as a young girl traveling to neighborhood liquor stores with a one dollar food stamp just to buy a five cent piece of candy....to receive the change. Flip a coin mama....heads or tails? I say tails and guess how it lands.....of course, heads. Luck of the draw? Maybe. A gamble? Yes sir. Paper, rock, scissors-this is a piece of cake....I can look in the eyes of my component and guess their move and strategically choose the object that will declare them the loser. These are my humble beginnings of tryna make a dolla out of 15 cents. 

I have always needed more but had less. The unfortunate thing is I never learned how to make that work. My less, I made more even if i had to lie, beg, steal, and cheat to get it. Maybe, not literally but symbolically so. I have signed my name to so may dotted lines with all good intent of paying back my lender. Now, ask me what good intent has gotten me? Just as the little girl trying to gamble her way to a win I have won some but have lost much more! I am so tired of the coin landing on heads when my bet is on tails. So maybe just maybe I will toss flipping coins and place the coin in my pocket for a rainy day. Now, that sounds good and may seem like a simple concept for most but it will take a total value paradigm shift that i believe i am ready to explore.


A girl with a big heart and all good intentions has found herself buried under a sea of debt and cant find out for the life of her how to get herself out. During this season i am owning it, and looking each bad decision in the face asking myself "what am i going to do with you"?. This may take much longer then i thought as so many of my debt has been out of sight out of mind and i feel like a dog trying to dig up an old bone with impaired senses. Although I have managed to control all other aspects of my life my finances is indeed an old record playing in the background that is heard with any attempt to move forward. This is a monkey that wont get off your back until you look it  dead in the face and make it up in your mind that you are going to deal with it. Running will not fix the problem, trust me it will find you when you least expect it. Getting served at work (more than once) is no easy pill to swallow....geeesh! I have met with a lawyer regarding my debt repayment options and that was very difficult for me but i did it and for that i am pleased. Now can I afford his assistance after the first free consulting conversation is a different story.

Do i have the answer...nope! Each day brings its own grief but with prayer I anticipate strength and wisdom to tackle just that day alone. Do I check the mailbox for a miracle check?....I will be honest....Yes :). Its difficult trying to think of how you are going to get out of debt when you make just enough to lay your heard, have lights, drive a car, and buy food. Not to mention the long list of  "other expenses" that are being neglected i.e. insurances, doctor visits, vet visits, clothing, ......please dont make me hash it all. I could definitely do better with budgeting and putting myself on a stricter finance diet but those small rewards keeps me in the race believe it or not. I sometime feel like a drug addict... not enough money to meet any particular need but just enough to get a quick fix. At least for that moment i am numb to the problems of this world. Is it right....probably not....is it reality...yes. Most times my quick fix is helping someone else or making one too may fast food stops for the lunch during the week.

Tithes and offering is a separate conversation but it is a concept in which i struggle....but the good news is: shell be comin round the mountain when she comes.lol. It has become a hit or miss with more hits. My struggle is a result of many disappointments but as my relationship with the Lord is being redefined i give from a different place of my heart and when I fail to give there is some remorse but no condemnation :).

In the midst of me trying to figure "it all" out I still feel extremely blessed and I have to revisit that place of gratefulness to insure that I do not drown in my sea of debt. In prayer one morning i heard the spirit say....You will experience great wealth in 2012. My mouth flew open as tears streamed down my face in disbelief and a feeling of unworthiness surrounded me. Many confirmations have followed this personal word and i just want to be found doing the right thing when my time comes.  This is definitely something bigger than myself and in a strange way it has caused me to seek help from the Father in ways that i have never surrendered to do so before. My most recent confirmation was a word I stumbled upon stating that the Lord will soon release gifts not because of anything you have done but because he loves you and his love is unconditional. WOW...oh how I yearn to experience the unconditional love of a father. People judge you and even disappoint you but i heard about a Man....((((praise break))))

Am I looking for something for nothing....no ma'am, no sir, but I do recognize that some divine intervention is much needed

A girl with a heart of gold always looking to give what Ive never had while learning from lifes mistakes is looking for her...school in Africa. ha ha.


Not by my might or power but by your Spirit Lord :)

Seek ye first the kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you----Lord  help me with this seeking concept as I have been pretty selfish in the past trying to be my own little god.

 As I write...I reveal....I uncover.....I expose....i set free-----even me :)


~Even Ebony~


Now devil....wheres my change?! You have taken much and i have given much and its about that time I get back what belongs to me. Gimme my change!