Disconnected to Connect

Most of you who know me, know that my mother is adopted. Well...I spoke with my cousin (my moms blood sisters daughter) yesterday and what a blessed conversation it was. I am happy to be connected to her and know that as we exchange stories healing will manifest and as we walk together curses will be broken, and our generation shall be free and walk into NEW land :). Free from the bondage of guilt, shame, suicide, poverty, addiction, molestation....Oh God is up to something and I cant wait to find out what is is!!!

After sharing some of my story with her, she sent me this e-mail today that blessed my soul. As I write from the depths within me I also enjoy reading about others depths as well. It is a long excerpt but well worth the read. Enjoy my dear hearts and until next time....even me~.


The man's life was pleasant.  So too was his worship.  The two always go together.
God was not pleased.  So He allowed the man's life to become unpleasant.
The man responded at once with shock.  "How can this be?  How could this happen in my life?
Beneath the shock, the man was smug.  But he could not see it.  He thought it was trust.  "This will soon pass.  God is faithful.  Life will again be pleasant."  His worship remained shallow.
God was not pleased.  So he allowed more unpleasant things to happen in the man's life.
The man tried hard to handle his frustrations well, like someone who trusted God.  "I will be patient, " he resolved.
But he didn't notice that his efforts to be patient grew out of the conviction that a pleasant life was his due.  He did not hear his own heart saying, "If I'm patient, God will make things pleasant again.  That's His job."
His worship became a way to convince God to restore his pleasant life. 
God was not pleased.  So He pulled back His hedge of protection around the man a little farther.  The man's life became miserable.
The man got angry.  God seemed unmoved, indifferent, uncaring.  Heaven's door slammed shut.  The man knew he could not pry it open.
He could think only of better days-not of better days coming, but of better days before, days that no longer were and that showed no signs of returning.
His highest dreams were a return to those days, to the pleasant life he once knew. when he felt what he had called joy.
He could not imagine a higher dream that going backward to what once was.  But he knew life never moved backward.  Adults never become children again.  Old people never recover the energy of their most productive years.
So he lost hope.  god had withdrawn His blessing, and there was no indication He would change His mind.
The man fell into depression.  His worship stopped.
God was not pleased.  So he released the forces of hell into the man's life.
Temptations that formerly were manageable now became irresistible. 
The pain of living was so great that the pleasure the temptations afforded relief and seemed reasonable and necessary.  But after the pleasure cam a new kind of pain, a kind of pain that covered his soul with a fog that not even the brightest sun could penetrate.
The man could see only his pain.  He could not see God.  He thought he could, but the god he saw was one whose job it was to relieve pain.  He could imagine this god, but he could not find him.
He addressed the only god he knew.  He begged for help. Beneath his words of pleading he could almost hear what his heart was saying: "You owe me help.  I will never believe I deserved all this to happen.  This pain is not my fault.  It's yours."
His worship had always taken the form of a demand, but now the demand was so obvious the man could almost recognize it.
God was not pleased.  So He let the struggles continue.  And God allowed new troubles to come into the man's life.
In the part of the man's heart that dreamed his greatest dreams, he had been certain he would never have to face these new trouble that were now in his life.  For years he had said in his heart (without actually hearing it), "That could never happen to me.  If it did, my life would be over.  if that happened, I'd have no choice but to conclude that God isn't good.  I would have to dismiss God.  And no one, not even God, could fault me."
But still the man could not hear his heart speak.  What he could hear was a seductive voice that made the worst temptation he had ever faced-to lose hope in God-seem noble, bravely defiant, the only way left for the man to find himself.
The battle waxed hot.  But a flicker of hope remained.  The man held on to his faith.  Even as he did, he could not hear his heart saying, "I have every right to give up on my faith.  But I'm choosing the truly noble way.  I still believe in You.  I still believe You're there and that my highest hopes for joy-whatever hopes are left-lie with you.  Does that impress you?  If not, my God, what does?"
His worship was more desperate than ever.  But it was still proud. 
God was not pleased.  So He allowed the man's trials to continue and his pain to remain unabated.  God kept His distance from the man.  He provided no comfort, no tangible reason to ope.  It was difficult for God not to make everything better in the man's life.  It was even more difficult for Him not to appear directly to the man and assure him of his presence. 
But He didn't.  God had a greater dream for the man than a return to a pleasant life.  He wanted the man to find true joy.  He longed to restore the man's hope for what mattered most.  But still the man did not know what that was.
The fog around the man's soul thickened until he could feel it, like walls closing in.  All that was left was mystery; there was fear certainly, even terror, but more acute was the sense of mystery, the mystery of a bad life and a good God.
Where was He?  When the man became most aware of his need for God, god disappeared.  It made no sense.  Was God there or not?  If He was, did He care?  Or didn't He?
The man could not give up on God.  He remembered Jacob.  So he began to fight.  But he fought in the dark, a darkness so deep that he could no longer see his dreams of a pleasant life.
In deep darkness, you cannot see.  But you can hear.  he could hear for the first time what his heart was saying.
"Bless me!" he cried.  From his deepest soul , he could hear words reflecting a resolve that would not let go of God.
"Bless me!  Not because I'm good, but because You are good.  Bless me .  Not because I deserve Your blessing, but because it is Your nature to bless.  You really can't help Yourself.  I appeal not to who I am.  You owe me nothing.  I appeal only to who You are."
He still saw his pain.  But now he saw God.  And the cry for blessing was no longer a demand for a pleasant life.  It was a cry for whatever God wanted to do, for whoever He was.  The man felt something different.  It was the beginning of humility.  But the very fact of what it was kept him from seeing what it was.
The man had forgotten himself and discovered his desire for God.  He did not find God right away, but he had hope, hope that the might experience what his soul most deeply longed for.
Then he saw it.  Fresh water bubbled up from a spring in the desert of his soul, and he saw it.  It was a new dream.  He could see its contours take shape.  It was a dream of actually knowing God and representing Him in an unpleasant world.  The dream took on specific focus; he saw he could know God and represent God to others in a way that was his way and not someone else's.  It felt like coming home.
He realized immediately that his power to speak on behalf of God to others in the midst of their unpleasant lives depended on his speaking from the midst of his own unpleasantness.  He had never before felt grateful for his troubles.
His suffering became to him a doorway into God's heart.  He shared God's pain in His great project of redemption.  Suffering together for a single cause made him feel closer to God.
A new thought occurred to him. "I will join with whatever forces are opposed to the root of this unpleasantness.  I will ally with goodness against evil.  I will not wait to see more clearly; what my hand finds to do, I will do.  But I will stay close to the spring.  My soul is thirsty.  A pleasant life is not water for my soul; whatever comes from God-whoever God is-this is the only true water.  And it is enough."
The man worshiped God, and God was pleased.  So Go kept the water bubbling up out of the spring in the man's soul.  When the man didn't drink every morning from that spring or return every evening to drink again, his thirst became intolerable.
Some things in his life got better.  Some things stayed the same.  Some things got worse.
But the man was dreaming new dreams, greater dreams than a pleasant life.  And he found the courage to pursue them.  He was now a man with hope, and his hope brought joy.
God was very pleased.  So was the man.

Seesaw

One day up, One day down. One day down, One day up. No day in the middle! How often do we find ourselves being influenced by what surrounds us. When things are well, we are well. When things are out of wack, we are out of wack as well. Our soul and spirit scream....you need balance!!! You are either so spiritual that you become no earthly good or you are so caught up in your own ability that you fail to consult with your Creator. Balance is imperative if we plan to live life to its fullest potential without being taken out by lifes blows before we even get started. Being sure of yourself gives you the fuel you need to keep fighting while your communion with the Lord gives you the peace needed to win.

While the troubles of this life rage, may we find a secret place in which we can hide and abide! The Lords challenge for me is to bless His name at ALL times. Sound like a simple concept huh? Well...your girl is still trying to find how to  find a praise in the midst of turmoil, a broken heart, an unclear path, disappointment, and uncertainties. "Dont worry about what ye shall eat, drink"... "Seek ye first the kingdom of God"....these concepts are not foreign but they are definitely not where I lay my bed. The next time the bad news bear knocks on my door I will not scurry trying to make a way out of no way, I will not begin to cry and open my "why me" book. I will turn on some music and have me a good ol' praise and worship party before I do anything else. For some reason, I think this is what the Lord wants from me....*wink*


Last week my car was down for a few days and I took a few days off of work as a result. During my restlessness I was led to share these three words with the social network world. These words eventually became a blessing to me as well. If it resonates with you....receive it in Jesus name:

1.) To those experiencing a season of uncertainty where things will get worse before better, youll loose more before you gain, and cry more than youll smile. May a supernatural peace overtake you as you are clothed in humility and your faith is increased, which is needed for your next season of: NEW (none of which youve ever seen before).

2.)When things are well, we call it favor. When things are bad, we call it testing time. Why do we make the God we serve so convenient and fairytale like??!!!. Some experiences come with the processes of LIFE and our humble hope is that we learn to accept what we cant change, gain wisdom where it is allowed, grow stronger with each breath, love limitless, and give much! The harsh reality is that some may never learn this and lifes disappointments will defeat them and my prayer then is that the infinite God will have mercy on them ;)

3.)Hump Day Word: THIS IS NOT THAT! Some of us are in a season that feels like one weve known before and hoped to never enter again.His word to me and you: THIS IS NOT THAT! Trust me in THIS process and you will see the promise. Dont be deceived this is still your year...

Todays Declaration: Lord give me Joy instead of Happiness. Happiness is temporal and is dependent on circumstance while Joy resides on the inside as an unmovable, unshakable, and unexplainable force that carries you when you feel like you have been dropped.

Oh that, stabilization, steadiness, to be evened out, constant and calm will replace the up and down, fluctuating, swinging and oscillating of emotions, mind set, and wills.


Even though today I am doubting: even me. I declare: EVEN ME---EVEN EBONY!

Thankful...

Just thought I'd give the devil a black eye this morning and declare that I am THANKFUL! It amazes me how you can experience such a life of disappointment that it becomes a place of residence for you. When happiness, peace, joy....comes knocking at the door you scream from the inside: What do you want! I woke up this morning with gratefulness in my heart; not because anything had happened warranting me to feel this shout in the pit of my stomach but just a sincere thank you resounded in my spirit. Now if you know me you know my mind wanted to believe this was a set-up. It was just something trying to get me excited just to scream:SIKE as my anticipation grew. I wanted to ask my spirit: what are you excited about?! With all that is going on around you surely you have a reason to invite "mr. cloud" (depression) to dinner! My spirit responds: its not what is around you that I am excited about but it is what is ahead of you. I began to think about my family and found myself pondering on how far the Lord has brought us and my spirit began to shout even louder. No!!!Not now!!! I gotta get to work. But I tell ya what...meet me here tonight around 8:00 and we are going to stomp on the devils head I declared.lol.

After teaching bible study last night a lady approached me and said: I remember when I first came to this church you were very sad. Every time I saw you, you would be sitting next to sis Palmer and I felt so bad for you as I wondered what life circumstance would cause such a beautiful young lady to be down trodden. But I look at you now and you are a totally different person. Your smile lights up the room and the aura that you bring blesses me so. I looked her in the eyes and said: thank you. You know the Lord is really working on me accepting compliments. I so naturally try to turn around a compliment in modesty by returning it. Im not use to people acknowledging me and genuinely speaking life over me so I tend not to know how to respond but I am indeed getting better.

This morning I also told the Lord that I miss Mother Palmer. My spirit responded: I am her, and she is me, the same spirit that rested in her, rests in thee! OMGEEEEE...I immediately hung up the spiritual phone! I guess I better call Him back later and declare my spiritual phone lost signal.lol. My spirit was trying to show out this morning and I had to go to work! Then jokingly as I am: I say..while you tryna disturb my reality can I get 180.00 on my car payment please. The Lord laughed and said...seek ye first the kingdom of God....

In short....I am indeed thankful :). If I can write about the dark side experiences surely I can take time to share the light :).

~evenme LoRD, evenme~

Out of the shadow...contd.

I can imagine you crawling the streets of new york city on a sunny day amongst people on their way to "somewhere". You are a crawling baby with a white diaper, with your green blanket being dragged right along your side. Noone notices you but ironically noone stumbles over you either. Noone stops to aknowledge that there is an unsupervised baby amongst them and in an attempt to get their attention you give up and crawl onto a side alley. They alley is much darker than the busy street of NY but the seclusion was much more comforting. You fall asleep as a baby on your green blankey and wake up a young girl. You have now cut your green blankey into two pieces to make a halter and a skirt; as you noticed the people in the alley were staring upon your nakedness. This green blanket became your fig leaves and even then you were looking for the Father to appear in the garden (alley) and rescue you, but you saw Him not . The people are now starting to notice you and as they approach, you exprience fear. The woman of the night is compelling you to shake what yo mama gave you while the pimp is promising to give you the world. There is muslim trying to sell you a bean pie while the drug addict encourages you to take a hit. As they slowly approach you, you spot a large green dumpster near by. You sprint to hide behind the dumpster and now all you see are the hands of the woman of the night, the pimp, the hustler, the bean pie man, the druggie,....trying to reach you but you are out of range. It was hard to tell which wanted you the most but as you gazed at the brick wall you notice their shaddows. It appeared that the pimp was eager and had a plan for you and your green blankey. As you see his shaddow approaching nearer and nearer, you close your eyes really tight and pray that the Father would rescue you not now...but right now. You open your eyes and the shadows are gone. You peek from around the dumpster and see nothing but clothes scattered amongst the alley. The only shadow you notice on the brick wall now is your own. You are much taller now and have no use for your green blankey anymore. So you pick up the scattered clothes and one piece at a time you put them on. You put on the woman of the nights shoes, the drug addicts hat, and the pimps suit. On your way to walk out of the alley you notice the muslims new paper in a puddle of water and you pick it up to and the head lines read "A MIND IS TERRIBLE THING TO WASTE". You pick up the paper and found an inspiration to become a student. You run out of the alley on your way to higher education and remembered that you forgot the pieces to your green blankey so you run back and get it. Not sure what you will use it for now you wrap both pieces aroung your neck to compliment the pimped out suit you were rocking. You are now sitting in class and notice that your clothes have been carrying a stench and is causing you to become sick. You pay it no mind and as you walk across the stage on graduation day your heart is heavy. Who am I?...you ask. Am I what I wear or now what I know. You become employed and experience by experience you have the courage to seek a new wardrop for you know that you cannnot go somethere new wearing something old. You strip yourself of your covering yet naked again but now you know where to go for clothing. You are now dressed for the occassion coupled with your green blannkey (scarf)....oh what a show stopper you are! You are taking the world by storm but there is a lingering nagging question in your mind that wont allow your spirit to settle: Lord, why didnt you save me from the alley? Those experiences have caused me much pain and they still follow me to this day. The Lord replies, I was not the white man, with blonde hair, that you were looking for to break the sky for you but I decided to be the dirty green dumpster instead. As you stand in amazement not having the answers but feeling blessed beyond measure you smile and vow to be the green dumpster for someone else. But then the Lord says: no you have it all wrong. I will continue to be the dirty green dumpster but I will allow you to be the muslim newpaper. You smile and the convenant between the two of you have been established. Out of the shadows and into the light; your light and not the image (shadow) of another. You lift your head and thank the Lord for his grace and to show your surrendering will you take off your green blankey scarf from around your neck attempt to throw it in the big dirty green dumpster. The Lord then smiles on you and replied: keep the scarf my dear for it will keep you humble as a reminder of the little baby crawling on the streets of new york with the white diaper and green blankey dragging at its side....

trash can is the Father...shadows

Out of the shadows...

She is a silent storm. She feels invisible and unheard but the effects of her presence are undeniable. Your memories of her are vague but you cant deny that she was there every step of they way. She didnt have a defining role growing up as she was not the oldest, the only boy, or the youngest-rather she fell somewhere inbetween. The adults in her life shunned her very existence as I am sure they knew she had the key that would break them all free. They knew freedom not, and the very thought of it allowed them (us) to remain shackled to the very thing that killed us: silence. The time she spent isolated, shunned, and misunderstood prepared her for the moment that will change the course of her life and those she comes in contact with. Her time spent reading, exploring, dreaming, and hoping will soon manifest into a season of all that she could have ever hoped! Dont ever underestimate her as she will be rise up with strength and power from on high and his glory with me manifested through her, here in the earth realm. She is chosen, she is set-apart, she is different, she has been preserved for such a time as this. When she cries I know she feels angry at the very fact that she has to cry. Angry that her tears are been controlled by her past and those people (or person) that has caused her and her family much pain and anguish. I want her to know that with every tear her soul is being cleansed and a shift takes place setting her on her path of greatness. Her tears, is the crown of humility that her Father has given her. Her tears are not a curse but in fact a gift-a blessing bestowed upon her that will give little black girls all around this world a reason to live. He tears is a birthing process. Her tears is her nourishment. Her tears are a gift and not a curse. As she cries, inspiration is given to another. I am so glad to know her, to love her, to live amongst her glory. She is beautiful, funny, stylish, radiant, intelligent....She mattered then, and she matters now. I am proud of all that she was, is, and shall become. Though the world lost out on its opportunity to affirm the little girl, she has come into her own and her faith will make her whole. Your tears my dear is the bullet to the weapon that will be used in the battle to fight on your behalf! This battle is not yours its the Lords and as you seek him Victory shall be yours (and mine, for we are connected)!

EvenYou...EvenMe....whichever comes first :)