Take the Test, Take Control

Take The Test, Take Control…

We are loyal, We are passionate, We are faithful, We are creative, We compromise, We sacrifice, We suffer long, We are patient….all in the name of sex. We own the emotional and physical responsibilities of engaging in such an act but we neglect to address the health of it all. Why is this such a taboo? Why can I say I love you but to ask you to wear a condom is an insult? How can my heart endure your cheating, insults, and abuse but a test result is too much for me to bear and id rather just not know. We must take control and take the test! Take Control, Take the Test is the 2012 campaign for National HIV Testing Day-June 27^th.  I am not sure of the thought process behind this slogan but I understand that as we take steps towards a better health we gain control in other aspects of our lives.

It is time out for us as a people allowing our loyalty, trust, and upbringing to be the death of us. We need to give ourselves permission to love ourselves just as much as we love each other. I cannot truly love you until I have discovered how to love me. Oh boy do we know how to love! Love causes us to do some crazy things! In our reckless craze for loving others, may our love for ourselves be equally as important. If we take our love for ourselves just as serious as our love for others we will find the balance between the two needed to live a healthy, fun, productive life with not many regrets.

Take the test, Take control. Taking the test is about more than the results. It’s about your ability to take the first step necessary to say: I am worth it.  Through the anxiety, butterflies, repentance and the like as you sit and wait on the results, no matter the outcome you will feel and be better in the end. A surge of power will rise up in you that say…”I now know and now I will gird up enough strength to establish my next steps”.

If you have the power to love or lust, you have the power to get tested; same person, same will---different results. Take the test, Take control!!! To lose or never gain control is to not have the ability to make the necessary decisions to live your best life now. As you make personal deposits your control meter increases…the more it increases the better, smarter, wiser moves you are able to make. Don’t let sex steal your control; keep a nice grip on it! Getting tested is a control deposit. Make your deposit today! Take the Test, Take Control!!!

40 Acres and Mule

Wednesdays WELLness

I have endured much, I have suffered long, I have prayed hard and I want my 40 Acres and a Mule! It is 2012 and so many of us are still awaiting compensation in the form of 40 Acres and a mule. Our hearts, minds, and souls yearn for restoration to give definition to all that has been lost. I don’t know what your situation is but I do encourage you to move beyond placing all of your energy and effort in the hope that what youve lost would be restored. Don’t spend your life waiting for broken promises to become your future guarantees. When we do this we enslave ourselves to the past and it continually haunts us as we drown in bitterness. I want to declare for you, me, and us that there is something better, something significant, something more relevant than the 40 acres and mule that has you distracted. What good would a mule do you now when you have the option to have The Bugatti Veyron 16.4 Super Sport “World Record Edition” vehicle?!

I know all too well, what it feels like to want ‘wrongs’ to be made ‘right’. My heart deceived me in suggesting that the heart surgeon had to be the one who inflicted the injury.   Major General William Tecumseh Sherman gave the special field order for 40 acres and a mule but after the assassination of President Abraham Lincoln his successor Andrew Johnson revoked the order. Oh what a tragedy!!!! But the story does not end there….we sit here is 2012 with a black first family and many many many African American persons who have made incomparable contributions to the country in which they were once enslaved. No, we did not get our 40 acres and a mule but with consistent hard work and perseverance we created a blessing instead of depending on a handout.

My words to you today is to keep walking upright and giving this life the best fight thats within you and you will find yourself better than you were before, having more than you imagined and lacking nothing.  Does ‘life’ owe you?....maybe. But don’t spend your precious moments waiting to be paid back when you can make the necessary deposits to live your best life now! Yes, back child support would be nice, an apology from your abuser would be sweet, reconciliation from your absent parent would suffice, that settlement you’ve been awaiting may save the day, that old job/old pay/old position would feel good if restored, I know you want your home and car back, only if you had one more day with your deceased loved one etc etc etc. If it comes…good, but if it doesn’t you will not lay down and play dead until it arrives.

As we commemorate the end of slavery via Juneteenth, I will continue to challenge you not to be enslaved to your past but create opportunities to celebrate your present and future. Juneteenth commemorates freedom while emphasizing education and achievement. What joy it brings me to witness that as we celebrate the fact that we are free we also acknowledge that it was attained through education and achievement. You are your best rewarder!!! Gird yourself up and pay yourself back for all that was taken. That way you, your children, your community, your country will eat the fruit of your labor and for generations to come more educated and achieved African Americans will spring up and keep the party going.

Until Next Time Ladies,

Meet me here, draw from here, quench your soul thirst here at Wednesdays WELLness----Signed, Miss Ebony

You are not mama and daddy…this is not mothers day.

                                                Wednesdays Well

You are not mama and daddy…this is not mothers day.

In a world where roles have become obsolete to insure equality, we as a people are losing our need to position ourselves so that our families, communities, churches, country… prospers. The way we go about glorifying the many hats in which we wear causes us to move further and further away from a structure that was meant to bless us. 

As a single independent woman, I am all for uplifting women to do what is necessary when a man is not present BUT at the same time I don’t want to dismiss what a blessing it is to have a husband/father in the home. I understand that due to the society in which we live there are a lack of men prepared to be husbands and fathers and as a result many woman have had to step up to the plate and carry a load that was never meant for one person to carry but as your sister I must remind you that you are not mama and daddy…you are just a good mother.

We must begin to change our language and expectations if we plan to restore the family unit. As a fatherless child, I know all too well what it feels like to yearn, need, seek, male affirmation. I am not ashamed to say that I needed it and have had to overcome some unfortunate circumstances as a result of not having it. As I heal, I want to offer that same healing to others. We have had our time to be bitter, upset, mad, disgusted at the state of fatherhood and I believe that we need a shift in order to restore what has been lost.

Being a father is a blessing-it should be a seat of honor, reverence, and respect. Contrary to my experience, there are some great fathers out there holding it down and during this season WE must insure that they understand their worth. Although the reality may be that there are many fatherless homes, I want to see us move beyond glorifying that fact and move towards rebuilding, reclaiming, and restoring. I don’t have a quick fix answer but the first step is we MUST change our language…ladies you are not mama and daddy, you are just a magnificent mother.

During this season, single ladies I challenge you to identify a male figure that you have witnessed that exhibits a notable fatherly character. Give him a small token letting him know that because of people like him the structure of family is blessed. I then challenge you to reach out to a father that may be struggling, give him a small token and express your love for him and our need for him to be the best he can be so that together we can prosper.

Ladies, this is not your season to get gifts….it is not May! You are not mama and daddy….you are just an exceptional mother! A good, magnificent, exceptional mother humbles herself to recognize that we need good, magnificent, exceptional fathers. Lets let fathers day be a day of recognition, restoration, forgiveness, healing, and love. Our men do not need to be reminded that women can be men, lets let them know that we need them and their role is vital to the family unit.

Let the seeds of good deeds be sown, Let the healing begin, Let us prosper TOGETHER.

To my daddy:

You are the King that I never knew

Oh how strong, witty, creative, and loving you are

Oh what a smile you have that lights up a room, just like mine

Oh what hurt, pain, anguish you have experienced

Come, my king, take your rightful thrown

It was given to you by our Father and the seats vacancy cannot be occupied

My mama can not sit there and neither can I

How can I be my own father, when I am the twinkle in his eye

My mama is not my father, and neither am I

You are papa bear and you fit just right

Many male imposters have tried to mask themselves in your seat just to bring me pain

But I always knew you were the King I never knew, oh how I wish you would reign

You are he that sowed a seed of greatness; it is you-it is he that made Me

My King, your robe is ready and I take the honor of placing it on your shoulders

There are even slippers for you to rest those feet that have been many places but found no rest

Oh and the crown, filled with jewels and memories that I am eager to share with you.

Come out from hiding, there is a land flowing for you too

Don’t be afraid, I am not mad, angry, or bitter

I don’t blame you, curse you, or wish any ill

I want you to arise from your drunken sleep and know your worth

What royalty you are, while the devil deemed us cursed

Blacksheep-maybe, Homeless-maybe, Addicted-maybe, Lost-maybe

Oh, but that’s not what I see!

You are the King, I never knew

What treasures you behold, the dreams you bestowed, the prayers you rendered

My God told me that though you were absent from me, many blessings for me came from your lips

Just wanted to let you know He honored your request….for I am indeed blessed!

Arise My King, from your dark past of despair! Arise My King from regret, loneliness and shame.

Come forth, that the curse may be broken

No we cannot rewrite the past but we shall speak a different future

The King, I never knew shall have his daughters married off to men of God

They will raise Goldy children who will be good, magnificent, exceptional, mothers and fathers in their own right

We will tell stories of you the King, stories that you reigned supreme.

Arise My King Arise!

Suicide

Wednesdays WELLness w/Guest Columnist Ebony Duncan

You know my name but I am not at the foremost of your thoughts because I am not spoken of often. Many people have me but the shame I am associated with causes an invisible seal to run across their lips and my affect is not able to echo in the ears of those who can control me. Although the root cause of me is different depending on the person who has me my end result can end in death. So many millions of people struggle with me but say nothing. So many millions of people feel me but say nothing. So many people hear me but say nothing. They live with me and still say nothing. I am a killer, I am a robber, I am a thief. I kill people, I rob them of their joy and strength, I steal their dreams. So many people try to kill me but I wont die...there is no cure for me. Those that survive my raft have mastered controlling me but as soon as I catch them slipping I will go for the kill. Who am I you ask? I am depression!

In honor of Don Harman, fox 4 news anchor who recently committed suicide after battling with depression for years I speak for him. I not only speak for him, but I speak with him. So many of us struggle with this silent killer and say nothing. Breaking the Silence with bring attention to a disease that so many people are affected by. So many people were shocked when the heard the news of Dons suicide. The continual response was: he was so upbeat, funny, and full of life. From experience, I can tell you that this disease does not have a look-and as a result in order for you to know its there, it needs a voice. It is a dark cloud that appears when there is no more lights, camera, and action of entertaining others. It disguises itself behind the smiles of beautiful people who feel they are constantly in the ring fighting their last fight....but the fight doesnt end so you conceptualize: how can I make this go away? I prayed and cried, prayed and cried but during my darkest moments you revisited me. I visited emergency rooms trying to explain that "something was not right" and they gave me the cold shoulder because they could not physically see my pain. I talked with friends and family who wanted so deeply to take this cloud away but they did not truly know how. Ive seen people take psychotropic meds and lose their sense of vitality and I didnt want that for myself. Its unfortunate that people dont listen until tragedy strikes. If you pay close attention to "me" I speak in many different ways but you have to have an ear to hear me. I will tell you that I am losing my zeal, something seems off, nothing excites me, I dont see a way out, I am overwhelmed/stressed, I dont feel loved, appreciated, or understood, I feel invisible although many surround me. For some people it is a whisper, for others its a moan, while others are screaming for help. But, if we listen we can hear it and we can treat it.

My "ah ha" moment was when I felt I was at my breaking point (of suicide), and I was talking with my first lady about some of the things that my mind, heart, body, and soul were doing as a result of this cloud over my head. She did not aggressively tell me that it was the devil and attempt to soak me in holy oil but she did look me in my eyes and tell be that I was a fighter, and fighters win. She told me to take it one day at a time and when I felt blue to call her. This was great advice as a person who understands the dynamics of depression, the overwhelming feeling is generated from thinking that "things will always be this way" and "I am not willing to live this way forever". So, to hear her say tomorrow is not our concern, but today is what we will deal with was the beginning of victory for me. Ever since that moment each day I take as a new one not trying to foresee what my cloud will look like a week from now. Another piece of information that she shared that resonated with me was "Ebony, even if you kill yourself, this disease will not go away". She communicated that this will continue to plague the lives of many beginning with my own siblings. I could have taken my life that day, but I would have left the disease behind and the thought of that floored me. Death, for me was my way of getting rid of it but to feel in my gut that even in my death it would still run ramped I decided that day to fight. That day I fought for my life, and today I fight for my life, my hope is that tomorrow I will have the strength to keep fighting. I do sometimes fear what will I do if it comes in like a flood...and I honestly dont have an answer for that, as stated earlier I live day by day. I have experienced some grey days since that talk and I hold my head high and say today you can fight this. I do read the bible, which I have taken as my life instruction. This allows my mind to be regulated and gives me a vehicle to communicate when I think noone else is listening. I am grateful for my sister who is able to see the sign of me becoming "heavy" as I call it. She does not badger me but points out her observation and commends me for fighting. Is it hard-yes, Will I win-indeed. My hope is that others will use their voices when the cloud begins to hang low over their lives. We need to talk about the silent killers that sometimes bring on depression i.e. sexual abuse/incest, domestic violence, hiv/aids, debt, sexuality...and many more. As we sit back and say nothing, we die a silent death. When I die, I want to know that YOU heard me and as a result somebody else made themselves heard as well.

Personal highlights of fighting depression w/o medication:

-talk to someone: it is imperative use your voice to counteract the power this disease has over your life.

-take each day as it comes: depression tends to be continual thoughts of concern regarding the future ‘being like today’, so just worry about today and you will find that one day with eventually become a week of victory over depression.

-get moving: exercise, eat right, travel… GET OUTDOORS!---what a difference it makes! Intentionally take control of your personal health and your mental health will be positively affected. (a vitamin regiment wouldn’t hurt either).

-have fun: find yourself listening to music, dancing, enjoying comedy..etc. Allow your body to loosen up and get rid of some of the pinned up tension.

-have faith: I am not here to push religion on anyone but I would do you a disservice by not sharing that it has been my saving grace. It has given me hope, purpose, and a healing that I myself could not have discovered. A disease like depression is unique to the individual and affects us all differently and no matter with the Docs say there is no one size fit all quick fix. You must learn to become better from the inside out. Faith has caused me to reflect, accept, and move beyond my pain.

Until Next Time Ladies,

Meet me here, draw from here, quench your soul thirst here at Wednesdays WELLness----Signed, Miss Ebony