happy birthday ME

Wednsesdays WELL

When I think back over my life I can attest that I am stronger, I am wiser, I am better; so much better. I have my life, I have my health, and I have my strength…don’t mean to sound like a church mother but this indeed has become my testimony of truth.

I have my life---sounds like a right given to most of us each day and with that sometimes comes a feeling of entitlement and lack of appreciation. No I don’t have a testimony of being resuscitated, dodging a flying bullet, or walking away from a car wreck. But what I do have, I freely share: Sometimes this thing we called life can rob you of your will to live. Every morning you wake you feel like you are being held at gun point but the person on the other end just wont pull the trigger. You battle thoughts of dying and wait for the moment life brings it to fruition so that you can know what it feels like to just exhale. With that comes no real drive just survival to get through the very day you wished never came. But today, I have learned to remove the bullets from the gun that I felt held me hostage. The gun of life may still be there but with no bullets it can do me no harm. As it clicks away with no ammunition, wishing it had killed me before I am learning to live my life to fullness thereof taking it one day at a time reminding myself that I am indeed fearfully and wonderfully made.

I have my health---As walk in new life I have taken on a new appreciation and concern for my overall health; whether physical, mental, or emotional. I am learning to pay attention to what my body is telling me and responding with love and patience. There was a time that I had no idea of the dynamics of my body and was not concerned with this shell that I have been blessed with. But today, I have to remain humble as vanity constantly knocks and the door wanting to befriend me. I have a new appreciation for me and as I discover new and awkward things I smile and embrace them as I have to teach myself to love the skin I’m in. Cause EvenEbonys Black is beautifulJ.

I have my strength---If you convince me I am weak then you can convince me of anything. I am so grateful today that I have been made aware of my worth and my ability to soar. The gift of girding myself up can now be used to bless me instead of give me permission to settle. Oh the blood that runs through my veins runs deep and there is so much to give, to share, to tell, to show. My mind has been renewed with a new truth and because of that I am stronger X 10 with no sweat from the brow. I can look in the mirror and tell that girl that she has and she shall make it. No, life has not been no crystal stair but the shoes that I wear allow me to weather it; today I thank God for my shoes.

As I sit here and write I laugh because I have become the women behind the pages that I envied before. I use to read about so many women who were able to rise up and become more than what life offered her. Sexually Abused Women becoming Virtuous Wives, Women of Poverty becoming CEOS, Uneducated women teaching the World, Women hurt, wounded & distressed learning to live and love again. Women with life, health, and strength! I read about her and became angered because there was no way she was anything like me. I believed her story was different and that she hadn’t a clue what it was like to walk in my shoes. How dare she write as if one day it all just disappeared and one day she became better! Now I know what its like to be her. Words cannot do my journey any justice. I can share bits and pieces of my story and offer self help strategies but words will do it no justice. Just as they, my  wish now lies that if you read this as a women or girl who has lost hope that by faith you receive my words that: ALL IS WELL. I am you, you will one day be me, and I will one day be her. We are all on a journey of self discovery and my prayer is that as we reach a milestone that we share so that a deposit may be made in the life of a woman who is in the valley needing a word that will change her life forever. Well my sistah…this is your word. Tomorrow will not be like today! Just like me, if you hold on and surround yourself with people who want the best for you, you SHALL become stronger, wiser, better; so much better.

 SN: Today is my birthday, and I am turning the ripe old age of 29. I wonder what my last year in my 20s will offer me? I have an idea but we shall see….ha ha. Must I remind the Lord that I have enjoyed my educational journey of degrees and accolades, have even enjoyed rearing my siblings, my walk with Thee has been quite a blessing but uh by age 35 I will be considered high risk and I must be married a few years before warming up the oven….so with that said if it be your will I think any day now would suffice.lol.

Until next time ladies,

Meet me here, draw from here, quench your soul thirst here at Wednesdays WELLness----Signed, Miss Ebony

I didnt choose you...

I didn’t choose you, you chose me, so why the hell you cant do the right thing!

You knew her as your bestfriends girlfriends friend and later made her your woman. Your intent may never be revealed but marriage never became the reality. I almost wish it had, maybe I could at least be eligible for your inheritance or accidental death subsidy. As broke as I am money couldn’t even restore that in which you took and that I lost. You told her you loved her, she moved you in and you fucked her. We never called you daddy but the absence of one encouraged us to at least introduce you as our Step-. It was no secret she had children; you must have known what great responsibility lied ahead or were you more concerned about where to lay your head? Head of Household was the office in which you held but you mishandled it, misused it, and used your power for bad. I always wondered if you planned all along to tear down our home, our hearts, our lives, our rights. Today as we pick up the pieces, my heart goes out to homes destroyed by ill prepared men whose perverted love leaves the stint of their cologne long after they are gone.

I didn’t choose you, you chose, me so why the hell you cant do the right thing!

My home & My neighborhood was a jungle of lust…people yearning, desiring, longing for something to make them feel good even if at the expense of others.  I felt lucky to have such a safe haven I could go to where I would learn, eat, play, and most importantly escape the reality of my circumstances. There I felt like a winner! I excelled and my efforts were acknowledged and rewarded. I was good at learning and applying concepts and my extracurricular involvement won me much recognition. I was in the lime light, there I shined and no one ever knew that my light was snuffed on a daily but I didn’t worry because M-F I would return for my illumination recharge. You had the ability to show me, teach me, and model something different but you failed. You were just like the rest of them. You lured me in and used my safe place as your laboratory to re-open the wounds that lay beneath the surface that I tried to hide. Although I thought I did a good job of hiding those scars believing they were invisible, you saw them and knew that as a result I was an easy target. You knew no one loved me and cared for me so you played with me but changed the rules to the game. I trusted you and loved you so once again I just played along. Oh how I longed to be on the playground with the rest of the kids but you had different plans for me.

I didn’t choose you, you chose, me so why the hell you cant do the right thing!

Hallelejuah! Praise God! & Let the church say Amen! I heard of this Jesus and how he saves and wondered if it was the same Jesus that people said was everywhere at the same time and if He was there ‘all of my times’. Theres  was a church on every corner and mission groups were always present in our community so there was no escaping this Jesus that people were always trying to offer us. Church, School, & Home was routine for many of us and each provided something different. Church was fun and the candy was always good, probably because it was either forbidden or used as reward so the anticipation made it seem like a piece of heaven. Home was Home and now School had become School but Chuuuurrrchhh was gonna be different! These were people who had arrived at a place that I was tryna get and as a result I hung on to their every word. If God can do it for them, then He could surely do it for me. I learned a great deal about discipline and loyalty in the church. You came in dressed to impress and reminding me of the God in which you serve but before I could say Amen you went in for the kill. Now not only was God good but he was now a FORGIVING God. He was a God of redemption, restoration, and deliverance. I was confused :/. Didn’t you say you were called? Didn’t you say God had turned you around and placed your feet on solid ground? Didn’t you say “Oh what a great change in me”! I did not see a difference…you were the same just with good music, a hype man, a mic, and some nice shoes.

I didn’t choose you, you chose, me so why the hell you cant do the right thing!

As I think on my experiences and the experiences of others, my heart cries as I sit back and watch the news of people in roles of authority and power called to generate a great change mishandle that in which they were given (and that they willfully accepted).  The pacifying talk of everyone falling short and being human makes me sick to my stomach. There is a standard and there must be a demand for that standard to me met. We should not accept behaviors of infidelity, abuse, manipulation, coercion and the like. We must have the conversation and be honest about the state of our “leaders”. These people are causing generations and generations of young people to grow up with unresolved issues and in turn imposing that hurt on those they say they love. The reality is, you did not become an ‘adult’ molester; but were a child struggling with perversion [even then] and now you are hiding behind these roles/titles and procreating more wounded children who will not all find their way out of the cycle. 

I am all for forgiveness and I understand the liberating work it can do for a victim but we must move beyond forcing forgiveness down the throats of the innocent and hold the perpetrators accountable for what they have done. This change must take place systemically! Do you know how long it takes for ONE person to receive their forgiveness revelation?! And we are trying to preach this to one person at a time? This works well for those who can grab it, embrace it and walk in it---even with many relapses.  But  Oh what a change will come when we pull the covers off of every wicked thing destroying our lives, our childrens lives, altering the school system, and changing the face of faith. We must be honest, upfront, and ready to attack it at its root. These are not isolated events. The news cannot broadcast them all! The structure of our institutions of home, school, and church are dying and as it dies it takes us out with it.

I didn’t choose you, you chose, me so why the hell you cant do the right thing!

Until Next Time Ladies,

Meet me here, draw from here, quench your soul thirst here at Wednesdays WELLness----Signed, Miss Ebony