I didn’t
choose you, you chose me, so why the hell you cant do the right thing!
You knew her
as your bestfriends girlfriends friend and later made her your woman. Your
intent may never be revealed but marriage never became the reality. I almost
wish it had, maybe I could at least be eligible for your inheritance or
accidental death subsidy. As broke as I am money couldn’t even restore that in
which you took and that I lost. You told her you loved her, she moved you in
and you fucked her. We never called you daddy but the absence of one encouraged
us to at least introduce you as our Step-. It was no secret she had children;
you must have known what great responsibility lied ahead or were you more
concerned about where to lay your head? Head of Household was the office in
which you held but you mishandled it, misused it, and used your power for bad.
I always wondered if you planned all along to tear down our home, our hearts,
our lives, our rights. Today as we pick up the pieces, my heart goes out to
homes destroyed by ill prepared men whose perverted love leaves the stint of
their cologne long after they are gone.
I didn’t
choose you, you chose, me so why the hell you cant do the right thing!
My home
& My neighborhood was a jungle of lust…people yearning, desiring, longing
for something to make them feel good even if at the expense of others. I felt lucky to have such a safe haven I
could go to where I would learn, eat, play, and most importantly escape the
reality of my circumstances. There I felt like a winner! I excelled and my
efforts were acknowledged and rewarded. I was good at learning and applying
concepts and my extracurricular involvement won me much recognition. I was in
the lime light, there I shined and no one ever knew that my light was snuffed
on a daily but I didn’t worry because M-F I would return for my illumination
recharge. You had the ability to show me, teach me, and model something
different but you failed. You were just like the rest of them. You lured me in
and used my safe place as your laboratory to re-open the wounds that lay
beneath the surface that I tried to hide. Although I thought I did a good job
of hiding those scars believing they were invisible, you saw them and knew that
as a result I was an easy target. You knew no one loved me and cared for me so
you played with me but changed the rules to the game. I trusted you and loved
you so once again I just played along. Oh how I longed to be on the playground
with the rest of the kids but you had different plans for me.
I didn’t
choose you, you chose, me so why the hell you cant do the right thing!
Hallelejuah!
Praise God! & Let the church say Amen! I heard of this Jesus and how he
saves and wondered if it was the same Jesus that people said was everywhere at
the same time and if He was there ‘all of my times’. Theres was a church on every corner and mission
groups were always present in our community so there was no escaping this Jesus
that people were always trying to offer us. Church, School, & Home was
routine for many of us and each provided something different. Church was fun
and the candy was always good, probably because it was either forbidden or used
as reward so the anticipation made it seem like a piece of heaven. Home was
Home and now School had become School but Chuuuurrrchhh was gonna be different!
These were people who had arrived at a place that I was tryna get and as a
result I hung on to their every word. If God can do it for them, then He could
surely do it for me. I learned a great deal about discipline and loyalty in the
church. You came in dressed to impress and reminding me of the God in which you
serve but before I could say Amen you went in for the kill. Now not only was
God good but he was now a FORGIVING God. He was a God of redemption,
restoration, and deliverance. I was confused :/. Didn’t you say you were
called? Didn’t you say God had turned you around and placed your feet on solid
ground? Didn’t you say “Oh what a great change in me”! I did not see a
difference…you were the same just with good music, a hype man, a mic, and some
nice shoes.
I didn’t
choose you, you chose, me so why the hell you cant do the right thing!
As I think
on my experiences and the experiences of others, my heart cries as I sit back
and watch the news of people in roles of authority and power called to generate
a great change mishandle that in which they were given (and that they willfully
accepted). The pacifying talk of
everyone falling short and being human makes me sick to my stomach. There is a
standard and there must be a demand for that standard to me met. We should not
accept behaviors of infidelity, abuse, manipulation, coercion and the like. We
must have the conversation and be honest about the state of our “leaders”.
These people are causing generations and generations of young people to grow up
with unresolved issues and in turn imposing that hurt on those they say they
love. The reality is, you did not become an ‘adult’ molester; but were a child
struggling with perversion [even then] and now you are hiding behind these
roles/titles and procreating more wounded children who will not all find their
way out of the cycle.
I am all for
forgiveness and I understand the liberating work it can do for a victim but we
must move beyond forcing forgiveness down the throats of the innocent and hold
the perpetrators accountable for what they have done. This change must take
place systemically! Do you know how long it takes for ONE person to receive
their forgiveness revelation?! And we are trying to preach this to one person
at a time? This works well for those who can grab it, embrace it and walk in
it---even with many relapses. But Oh what a change will come when we pull the
covers off of every wicked thing destroying our lives, our childrens lives,
altering the school system, and changing the face of faith. We must be honest,
upfront, and ready to attack it at its root. These are not isolated events. The
news cannot broadcast them all! The structure of our institutions of home,
school, and church are dying and as it dies it takes us out with it.
I didn’t choose
you, you chose, me so why the hell you cant do the right thing!
Until Next Time Ladies,
Meet me here, draw from here, quench your soul
thirst here at Wednesdays WELLness----Signed,
Miss Ebony
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