Waiting Period...

The irony of being a writer is that you can only release when revelation comes and sometimes there is no revelation because there is no growth. I have been writing in my personal journal and on FB when i am inspired by a person, place, or thing but i realize i am at a place in life where i am gaining experiences, maturing, learning, and healing for the life of becoming a published author. I am learning to deal with life and people in a different way personally and professionally. My first book titled: You are your Mothers Child is at a standstill as I discover more of what that means for me from a emotional standpoint vs. natural and spiritual. I need to experience more of her in order for me to dive deeper into something I know will set many people free. In the past few months although I  have been absent from blog life I am being cultivated in private as i spend more time journaling and reading. I am on a journey of discovering my inner peace while my life as I know it is transitioning as well.

1. I have relocated to a different part of town. Here I am experiencing some targeted behaviors from neighbors and city officials but I shall not be moved. I will definately write about this experience and feelings associated.
2. I am in a full time committed relationship. You notice i didnt say "new" because i actually met him a 1.5 years ago but ill save that saga story for another time.lol.
3. I am chartering into new waters at work as I am stretching myself in areas outside of my defined role by leading initiatives that are challenging.
4. I must pray and study more.

Life as I know it is transitioning but I am reminded that the promise still stands...My latter shall be greater.

#EvenEbony

Merry Christmas!!!!!

Untitled #Black

 

When I think about life as a black woman and the internal fight that takes place trying to prove my humanness and worth for love, I become saddened.  There is not a day that I wake up that my blackness is not ever before me.  Whether I am invisible in a grocery line to a white person scurrying to be serviced or overlooked by a black man that can’t see pass my dark pigmentation, fluffiness, and kinky hair.  I am fighting to be seen in a world where I am present but don’t really exist.

I feel like a child standing at the door watching the kids play as life goes on without me and no one notices that I don’t really have a horse, thimble, race car, shoe, or hat in the game; yeah it’s a Monopoly.  A monopoly of domination and control as I am controlled by the powers that be while competing with people who look like me for the dominion seat; yeah its domination and control.

You say what is your struggle, what is your fight as you sit at the table of the most influential, have the alphabet soup behind your name, and pull up to your gated community? I say…I am the exception. There is a price to pay for being the exception. As the exception you are celebrated for being the exception as mainstream America uses you as an example that black people don’t have it that hard while your own people disown you as they accuse you of not understanding the struggle. As the exception I gain notoriety but lose my ability to be loved as I become this in touch out of touch being living on a planet of my own fighting, fighting to prove my humanness and worth for love.

dun, dun, dun-dun....I DO but I DOnt or I WOnt.

In a Christian world when homosexuality is always a hot topic I wonder if we can put our money where our mouth is. We scream from the mountaintops that deliverance is available to combat the sin of homosexuality yet when we have men in our midst that are not mens men we accuse them of a gayness that may not even exist but through your words you create an atmosphere for the spirit to rest. Then I ask the question of how many of us with such strong opinions are willing to undergo marrying a ex-homosexual that through this union the act of sanctification can continue to manifest....hmmm. So many times we say we believe but we really do not. Does God heal the homosexual or not? I wonder why we have the power to detect and discern sin through condemnation but little power to drive it out.Then we get into these discussion of as long as they don't act in it they are citizens of heaven. While as a man believeth is his heart so is he? If sin is a sin is a sin why do we marry ex drug addicts, ex drug dealers, ex players, ex pimps but shun a man that struggled with his sexuality? I am in no means pointing the finger as I had to ask myself the question first, not yet being able to answer it as I am challenged with my perspective as a Christian and my perspective as a Social Worker. This is just the beginning of a conversation that I believe is worth having.

Nina Brilliantly Bound Simone

After watching the documentary on Netflix many thoughts, theories

and feelings came to mind. I see myself. I see my mother. I see my

sisters. I look into the eyes of many black women seeking to

establish herself from the outside while being dismantled from the

inside. I am everything to the world yet I feel like nothing. My

struggle from within roars through the worlds applause, roars

through the cries of my children, roars through the voice of the

Spirit. But that roar silences itself when I am flowing in my

gift. The gift given to me from on high. It was intertwined into my

DNA. I cannot deny it. I cannot reject it. I function in it whether I

am at my peak or desolate begging for bread. Yes, the roar

becomes a purr as I can see it backing up and making room for my

gift to take he stage. This gift is called my purpose. My purpose-the

reason I am here-I was created for this yet when mishandled and

not nurtured I find myself singing amongst winos in a ball gown

and pawned jewels. This I know...when I am gifting I hear no

roar while my gifting is limited by the standards of this world I still

find myself bound. So my choice then becomes to gift within a

cage or live in a cage with the roar....either way I am bound and

all I want is to be is free. My choice is no choice at all so I live in

both cages as both war for my soul. Through this war there is yet

life to be lived...I am a mother, I am a wife, I am an adult-child, I

am a community member, I am a professional, I am the church

pew, I am a friend, I am everything yet I feel like nothing. I am

black, My nose is wide, My laugh is loud, My lips are full, My hair

is that of wool, My sass commands attention, My poise demands

respect. Who am I, from which place do I come? I am tolerated,

accepted, and even given special rights along the way to

compensate for global caging yet universally the struggle

continues. I conclude chasing the color purple wondering if

freedom comes from heaven lasting always or if I should bash

Mistas head and think about heaven later. How about I bash his

head on my way?! Freedom.

 

 

Cycle of Life

I just returned from visiting one of the "Mothers" of my church who is unable to attend services due to lack of mobility and health issues. Although she expressed continuously how much the visit meant to her I believe it did much more for me. As I think about life and what seems important and pressing now all that became trivial as I sat on her couch listening to her talk about grands, greats, and great greats, friends that have passed away, fashion, travel, and faith.

I know we are bombarded with 'one life' mantras as we are encouraged to follow dreams, live it up, love hard, laugh much, and forgive everyone. We are only given one opportunity to make the best ,of this life we are living. I want to be more intentional about taking in the air, loving family, taking risks, dreaming big, making a difference, forgiving many, and being my on best friend.

In a world where people are here today and gone tomorrow I can only hope to one day be that lil old lady with stories to tell. My prayer is that someone will stop by and hear them.

-EvenEbony

Donald Ray Johnson

It will be a year next month that you left this earth. I am still not sure how to feel, what to think, or

what to do moving forward. Ironically, I wonder if you are proud of me. I spent many years wanting

your approval, wanting your love, wanting your acceptance yet never really obtaining it. So much

has been said, so much has been done; some public, some not so public. You were all I knew…You

were all my family knew…yet we knew you not. I wonder what your last days were like. If you ever

had moments of regret? If you were ever truly happy? I wonder. I wonder if you are proud

of ....evenme.

 

You are your Mothers Child

I woke up this morning crying. I thought I was crying because my heart was broken but as I let the tears stream down I uttered "I don't want to be like my mama". As I sit on my first publication [You are your Mothers Child] with my hands tied behind my back I know now why I am struggling with its completion. Although I caught and received the revelation in my head, my heart wasn't sure how to feel about this divine impartation. Ah Ha! You are not your Mother! You are her CHILD! You are a seed that stems from who she is and all that she hoped to be. What she was not able to conquer, you will. Through you, her story continues. As I cried I learned that my biggest fear was not death at all. My biggest fear was being like my mama. I didn't want to fall in love with someone who was toxic and that would eventually abuse me as I suffer in silence with fear of what others would think of me. I didnt want to commit my life to someone but still feel very alone and abandoned. I didnt want to hear someone say they love me but hurt me. I didnt want to choose my need for love over my dignity and respect. I didnt want to be big on the outside but shrunken on the inside. I didnt want to smile  with a black eye or busted lip. I didnt want my love and kindness to be taken advantage of. I didnt want my future children to see their mother broken. I didnt want to be like my mama. I thought because I had not taken a liking to mind altering substances and illegal drugs that I had mastered my biggest fear. Although drugs became my mamas story, she is much more than that. She is a woman of many experiences! She loved, laughed, fought, won, hurt, overcame, worked..... 

I have grown into a beautiful woman that has accomplished what others only dream of and that was my evidence that I was not like my mama. With every degree I thought I moved further from her. As I traveled and met dignitaries I thought I had moved further from her. As I move so elegantly, with others in awe of me I knew we no longer had the same address. It took heartbreak for me to revisit my mama imagining myself sitting on her lap telling her all about it. Then I sat still and cried uttering "I don't want to be like my mama". Then I heard so loud from heaven....Love yourself, and accept the love I have for you. Love the person sitting crying wanting her mama for that is the person no one sees. Don't love the woman you created, but love the woman you are. With every flaw, with every mistake, with every confusing moment...love her. As you love her (yourself)...you will love her(your mother). The missing link to your mothers struggle is that she never was taught or learned how to love herself but you will and through this she will be revived. As you do CPR on yourself, you will give her chest compressions... for you are your mothers child :). The circle of life is a beautiful thing...she gave you life and you shall live.

Potential

You can tell a lot about the direction of someone's life according to what they do in their free time. When dealing with people I am impressed by potential not perfection. News flash: potential is not what you wish for them as you squint real hard in your rose colored glasses to make yourself see beauty in an ugly situation. Potential is what they wish for themselves by what they do not what they say. We live in a society that can fake a whole relationship by words alone. Look at what they do with their time when no one is looking...this will give you insight on what you may be up against. Don't be distracted by the person singing in the choir at church. What do they do on Tuesday evenings when they don't have to work and the cameras are not rolling? Excerpt Inspiration: I am a sucker for volunteerism. A man that coaches a little league team, A woman who feeds the homeless, a child that tutors the elderly... now that's potential.

No Words

The moment you have no words. You hope someone will say something, or you read something, or a tune will play that will articulate the words you can't utter and break your silence. Your language becomes tears but you only speak at night to your pillow. As you recite reasons to be thankful and count your numerous loved ones you sigh realizing there is still something missing. No its not a failed faith formula or an inability to cast your care. Unapologetically this is your reality as Kleenex is your hope and Pandora is wine until you have words again.

This too shall pass...

 

Don't be distracted by the people "checking on you" who are actually waiting on "IT" to kill you. Persevere & Stand! This thing you are going through will hurt but it won't hurt you. Pain is pain in retrospect and should be welcomed when compared to permanent damage. Yes it may hurt. Yes it may be humiliating. Yes you may have some regrets. But God! The moment you care less about image and more about reality is when you declare "I don't just wanna look good, I wanna be good. I don't just wanna look like I got joy, I wanna possess it. I don't wanna look peaceful, I wanna be peaceful. I don't wanna look like I got it together, I wanna actually have it together"! When all the emotional theatrics are done He will meet you there. While they are preparing for your funeral, invite them to the wedding! #evenebony

 

 

 

Why?

Why do bad things happen to good people?

Why are children abused?

Why do people die of cancer? 

Why do teenagers commit suicide and no one noticed they were struggling?

Why did ______________, _________________, and _______________ happen in my life?

The question "Why" bombards the mind and hearts of men and women everywhere.
My greatest struggle as a believer is accepting the notion that we may never know "why".

Realizing this naked truth that no matter how hard we try to think, rationalize, or become critically open about a situation, we have to make it up in our minds that we will move forward not knowing why. This my precious one is called.....TRUST. Trust is believing all is well even when you don't know the details. This my friend is also called...FAITH. If I knew "why" then there would be no need for faith :/

Living in a state of "why" robs us of living a life of contentment. It interrupts our progress and causes mental anguish and emotional confusion. Trying to figure IT out causes unbelief. Don't spend your precious moments demanding answers but declare you will stand on promises. Standing on promises allows hope to rein! Promises: All things work together for the good....Overcome evil with good....He will never leave me nor forsake me...There are no mistakes....

Get rid of the rift between you and God! You don't believe God with your mind but you believe Him with your heart. He does marvelous things without number! He is righteous! He is just! He loves you! Situations don't change the character of God. Let it go...you have eternity to catch up on what happened here.

-EvenEbony

FREEDOM...

My religion is......FREEDOM.

 

Whenever I am in front of a group I never want you to believe it because I said it. I want you to be an independent thinker and use my platform to find your own truth. The journey to freedom in your mind, body, and soul will cause you to challenge, question, and re-think, challenge, question, and re-think, challenge, question, and re-think. Even if you end up where you started, the journey to freedom makes you unmovable because now you're there by choice and not by chains. Just when you think you've figured it all out and things become routine you wait for the freedom train yet again. The continuous search for freedom keeps one humble and teachable. Always, Always remain teachable.

#evenebony #tomymondaynightclass

2015

 Although most things in this life make no sense and I have yet to understand, it’s the revelation that convicts and makes me well. To know, yet not see…that’s what we call revelation. To know, not see, and yet believe…that’s what we call faith.  I am embarking on a journey of sipping from my own well. My well has always represented a place I invite others to partake, to receive, and to draw from what I have been blessed with. To sip from my own well represents harvest. I heard in the shower yesterday: Can you stand to be blessed? As I wept, it became very clear that most sowers know not how to receive as we may feel unworthy… BUT GOD.  For every sower (you know who you are for it has already been confirmed to you by now) may everything you have sown manifest through those Hollywood dreams only you and God know of, through financial security, through healing, through unmerited favor, through the power of your very tongue, through wisdom that will secure you for many generations. May it overtake you! To the sower I leave you with this: nothing is in vain! Those areas you have sown through obedience just to have less than favorable results…THAT is what qualifies you in this season. #2015 #wellrunnethover #evenebony #book1ondeck #eyeshavenotseen…